Photoshop Manipulation - 1

Doctor and Plumber

A Doctor gets taken short up in the middle of the night and finds his toilet is completely blocked.

He says to his wife, "I'm going to have to call a plumber."

The wife replies, "You can't call a plumber out at three in the morning!"

He says, "Of course I can! I have to go out on night-time calls if a patient needs me."

Anyway, he rings a plumber, who complains bitterly about having to come out in the middle of the night.

The Doctor says the same thing, "I have to come out on late-night calls to see patients, why shouldn't you?"

At about 3.30AM the plumber arrives, very bleary-eyed, and the Doctor shows him to the blocked toilet.

The plumber drops two tablets down the pan and says to the Doctor, "If there's no change, call me in the morning!"

President and Numbers ...

Donald Rumsfeld gave the president his daily briefing. He concluded by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."

"OH NO!" the president exclaimed. "That's terrible!"

His staff was stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the president sat, his head in his hands.

Finally, the president looked up and asked, "Just how many is a brazillion?

Doctor, Nurse and Patient ...

A man was wheeling himself frantically down the hall of the hospital in his wheelchair, just before his operation.
A nurse stopped him, and asked, "What's the matter?"
He said, "I heard the nurse say, It's a very simple operation. Don't worry, I'm sure it will be all right."
"She was just trying to comfort you, what's so frightening about that?"
"She wasn't talking to me. She was talking to the doctor!"

Surgeons and patients ...

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients on the operating table.
The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."
The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon chimes in, "You know, I like construction workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."
But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed, "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, and no spine, and the head and butt are interchangeable."

Traffic Jam by Laloo ...

A major traffic jam was preventing people from moving forward.
A motorist shouted out wanting to know what was happening.
A guy from the front replied, "Well at the traffic crossing Laloo Yadav is sprawled across the road.
He is refusing to move from there!"
"But why?"
"He has lost the elections and will now surely be convicted for corruption and will have to pay lakhs of Rupess as fines!
He is threatening to douse himself with kerosene and set himself on fire if people didn`t contribute with money to help him pay the fine!"
"So how much has been collected so far?"
"Six litres!"

Funny Crash Compilation - 5

Minister in India ...

An Indian politician went to the US to visit his counterpart. When the senator invited him home for dinner, the minister was very impressed by the lavish mansion, grounds and the costly furnishings.

He asked, "How can you afford all this on a meagre senator's salary?"

The sentaor smiled knowingly and took him to the window.

"Can you see the river?"

"Yes"

"Can you see the bridge over it?"

"Of course", said the minister.

"10 percent", said the senator smugly.

Some time later, he had occasion to pay a return visit. The Indian minister lavished all hospitality on him. When they came to his house,the American was stunned by the huge palace the minister had built, glittering with precious art, hundreds of servants etc etc.

"How can you possibly afford this, on a salary in Indian Rupees," he asked.

The minister called him to the window.

"See the river over there?"

"Sure", cried the senator.

"Can you see the bridge over it?"

The senator looked, was confused, peered closely and said, "No, I don't see any bridge."

"100 percent", said the minister !!

Shayri from someone special...

wo jis kay saath ki khuwahish odan bharti hai

usi ka nam nahi humaray haath ki lakeero mai

***************************************

kabhi shikasto kay dukh uthay to us say pochu

wo meri manid tot jaay to us say pochu

usay bhi koi sitara manzil say dur kar day

usay bhi rasta nazar na aay to us say pochu

safar mai wo bhi kisi katay imtihan say guzray

usay bhi koi yun azmay to us say pochu

usay mohabat mai kon sa dukh diya hai mai nay

kabhi nazar say nazar milay to us say pochu

meri tarah din charay tak wo bhi na soay

usay bhi shab bhar na neend aay to us say pochu

Lipstick marks ...

Christian middle school for girls was faced with a unique problem. A number of girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.

That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirrors leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called several of the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the custodian. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every day.

To demonstrate how much work they were making for the custodian, she asked him to clean one of the mirrors while the girls watched.

The custodian took a long-handled brush, dipped it into the nearest toilet, and proceeded to scrub the mirror.

From that day on, the problem of lip prints on the mirrors was completely eliminated.

Computer vs Cars

At a computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: "If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part):

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a manoeuvre such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.

7. The airbag system would ask, "Are you sure?" before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.

Unlucky Day in Pictures

BMW Driver ...

The other day I was cruising along as usual in my BMW coming onto one of my motorways, which was very busy with inferior cars. 

First off, I couldn't believe that the volume of traffic DIDN'T slow down for me AT ALL as I came off the slip road! I had to squeeze into a barely big enough gap between two cars in order to get onto my motorway! (The driver of the car behind me did realise his mistake though and honked an apology to me with a long blast of his horn.) 

Unbelievably, I had to do the same again before I could get to the BMW lane. (Why do underlings use this lane? Surely everyone knows it is for BMW drivers only?) 

Anyway, once I was in the BMW lane and posing along at 110mph enjoying the adulation that the inferior car drivers were giving me, I noticed an inferior car ahead of me which was not only in the BMW lane of my motorway, but was driving at a ridiculous 70 mph! 

Naturally, I got to within a foot or so of his rear bumper and flashed my headlights to remind him he shouldn't be in the BMW lane of my motorway and to get out of my way. 

Of course, once he realised it was a BMW behind him, he did just that, but I could hardly believe it when he pulled straight back out behind me! He also tried to keep up with me and when he realised I would out-run him, he put on some blue lights in his front grill and urged me to get onto the hard shoulder so that he could congratulate me on my excellent car. 

Needless to say, I was eager oblige and when we had stopped, the man gave me a piece of paper confirming what I already knew - that my car goes fast! 

Apparently he wants everyone to know what a superior car I have, so I had to take my driver's licence to a Police Station to be sent away to have 

some points put on! (They're not free points either - they're $100 each and I was only allowed 3.) But the man at the Police Station said that because I drive a BMW, it won't be much longer before I earn the full 12 points, and then I won't even NEED a driving licence, so they will take it off me! 

See, now THAT's the sort of respect you get when you buy and drive a BMW

Blond in fire ...

When the employees of a restaurant attended a fire safety seminar, they watched a fire official demonstrate the proper way to operate an extinguisher.

Pull the pin like a hand grenade," he explained, "then depress the trigger to release the foam."

Later a blonde employee was selected to extinguish a controlled fire in the parking lot. In her nervousness, she forgot to pull the pin.

The instructor hinted, "Like a hand grenade, remember?"

In a burst of confidence she pulled the pin and hurled the extinguisher at the blaze!

Scholar Santa ....

Santa studied; Santa for an exam had studied only one essay 'FRIEND', but in the exam the essay which came was 'FATHER' . 

He replaced friend with father in the essay and it read: I AM A VERY FATHERLY PERSON, I HAVE LOTS OF FATHERS,

SOME OF MY FATHERS ARE MALE AND SOME ARE FEMALE. MY TRUE FATHER IS MY NEIGHBOUR.

............ ......... ......... ......... ......... .

Interviewer: what s ur qualification?
Santa : Sir I am Ph.d.

Interviewar : what do u mean by Ph.d?
Santa : (smiling) PASSED HIGHSCHOOL with DIFFICULTY.. ..

............ ......... ......... ......... ......... .

Love letter as Q&A ...

A teenage college guy sent a love letter (in Q/A format) to his classmate.

My Dearest Reshma,

Please answer the following questionnaire. For Options

(A) 10 marks,
(b) 5marks and
(c) 3 marks.

**********
1) Whenever you enter the class room, your sight always falls on me because:

(a) of love
(b) you couldn't control seeing me
(c) really ... am I doing it?

**********
2) Whenever professor cracks joke, you laugh and turn and look at me because:

(a) you always like to see me smiling
(b) you are testing whether I like jokes
(c) you are attracted by my smile

**********
3) When you were singing in the class, I entered and immediately you stopped singing because:

(a) you are so coy to sing before me
(b) my presence influenced you
(c) you feared that whether I'll like your song

**********
4) When you were showing your childhood photo, when I asked for it, you hide it because:

(a) you felt ashamed
(b) you felt uneasy
(c) you don't know

**********
5) During trekking, myself and my friend gave you hand for lifting you and you took only my friend's because:

(a) you enjoyed my disappointment
(b) you won't feel leaving my hand after grabbing
(c) you don't know

**********
6) You were waiting yesterday for bus and didn't get into your bus...

(a) you were waiting for me
(b) you were dreaming about me and didn't notice the bus
(c) that bus was crowded

**********
7) You introduced me to your parents when they came to college because:

(a) I am going to be your groom
(b) you just want to know what your parents think about me
(c) just you felt like introducing me to them

**********
8) I told that I like girls wearing roses. Next day, you came with a rose on your head because:

(a) to fulfill my wish
(b) you like roses
(c) by chance you got a rose

**********
9) On that day, it was my birthday. you too came to temple early at 6:00 A.M because:

(a) you want to pray along with me
(b) you want to meet me before any one could meet on my birthday
(c) you want to wish me at temple because you are spiritual.

**********
If you have scored more than 40, then you are loving me. Don't delay in expressing it.

If you have scored between 30 and 40, love is budding in your heart and it's getting ready to bloom. If you have scored less than 30, you are in confusion whether to love me or not.

Eagerly awaiting your reply..

Love, Aakash

************ *********
Reshma's reply letter was also in Q/A format...... ..

Aakash,

Please answer the following Yes/No questionnaire.

**********
1) If somebody sits in the first row, normally people entering the class, sees them.
(a) Yes (b) No
**********
2) If a girl laughs and looks anyone, is it love?
(a) Yes (b) No
**********
3) While singing, if somebody forgets lines of the songs, will he/she stop singing or not?
(a) Yes (b) No
**********
4) I was showing to my friends (who are all girls) my childhood photo.
You poked your nose inside..... right ?
(a) Yes (b) No
**********
5) I avoided to hold your hand during trekking. Couldn't you understand yet?
(a) Yes (b) No
**********
6) Should I not wait for my best friend (Anjali) at the bus stand?
(a)Yes (b) No
**********
7) Shouldn't I introduce you to my parents as a friend?
(a) Yes (b) No
**********
8) You have said you also like Lotus, cauliflower, banana's flower. Is it true ?
(a) Yes (b) No
**********
9) Oh was that your birthday. That's why I could see you in temple. I come daily to temple. Do you know ?

(a) Yes (b) No

If you have answered "Yes" to any of the question, then I am not loving you. If you have answered "No", then you don't know the meaning of Love.

Hope everything is clear to you.

Funny Crash Compilation - 4

shayri ... only for u ...

Kabhi Aansoo Kabhi Khushboo Kabhi Naghma Bankar

Hum Say Her Shaam Mili Hai Tera Chehra Bankar

Chand Nikla Hai Teri Aankh K Ansoo Ki Tarah

Phool Mehkay Hain Teri Zulf Ka Saya Bankar

Meri Jaagi Huyi Raaton Ko Usi Ki Hai Talash

So Raha Hai Meri Ankhon Main Jo Sapna Bankar

Dil Kay Kaghaz Par Utarta Hai Jo Sheron Ki Tarah

Meray Hontoon Pay Machalta Hai Jo Naghma Bankar

Raat Bhi aaye To Bujhti Nahin Chehray Ki Chamak

Rouh Main Phail Gaya Hai Woh Ujala Bankar

Mera Kya Haal Hai Yeh Aakay Kabhi dekh To Lay

Jee Raha Hoon Tera Bhoola Hua Vada Bankar

Dhoup Main Kho Gaya Woh Haath Chhura Kar Mohsin!!!

Ghar Say Jo Saath Chala Tha Mera Saya Bankar

*****************************************

Tum lout aao na dekho chand nikla hay

Sitare jagmagate hain

Hamari muntezir aankheen

Duayeen mangeti aankheen

Tumain hi sochti aankheen

Tumain hi dhundhti aankheen

Tumain wapas bulati hain

Yeh dil jab bhi dharakta hay

Tumara naam leta hay

Yeh aansu jab bhi bahte hain

Tumare hi dukh main bahte hain

k

Barish jab bhi hoti hay

Tumain hi yaad karte hain

Khushi koy aye bhi

Tumare bin adhuri hay

Suno tum lout aao na

Suno tum lout aao na

*********************************

Khud bhi roya woh bohut hum se kinara kar kay,

Baaton baaton mein bichhadne ka ishara kar kay,

Khud bhi roya woh bohut hum se kinara kar kay,

Sochta rehta hoon tanhaayi main anjaam-e-khuloos,

Phir usi jurm-e-mohabbat ko dobara kar kay,

Jagmaga di hain terey sheher ki galiyaan main ne,

Apnay ashkon ko palkon pe sitara kar kay,

Dekh letey hain chalo hausla apne dil ka,

Aur kuch roz tere saath guzara kar kay,

***************************************************

Test if You are Ready for Marriage

This one is for all those, who have been bluffed by their partners, that they are ready for the Big 'M'. Believe me you can always fool yourself to think that you are, but there are some Scientific Techniques of finding out the truth.

So it's simple now, just follow any of these listed techniques, and find it for yourself.

1: The Room Trap Technique
Technique Summary: This is a very easy and efficient way to find out. Here's how you can do it.

One fine day enter into your bedroom, take a big iron lock, and lock your room from inside. and then throw the key outside from the window. make sure that you don't have anything of interest with you in the room. No laptops, mobile,etc...

Now if you are able to stay in that room, without any problem, till someone discovers that you have been in that room for last 2 days, without any food, water and entertainment. It means that you are ready to Go!

Else, if you start feeling TRAPPED! and you start crying for help, you want to get out, but you have no key and you feel helpless....then you have got it, it's what the marriage is all about! stay away from it

2: The Credit Card Abuse Technique
Technique Summary: On one fine day go to a busy market street, and drop your credit card on the road and you are all set, just come back to home. and sit relaxed for month, and wait for your credit card statement to come.

Now please go through the bill and details of how your credit card got abused. If you can take all this and still smile and are in position to pay the bill, then you are ready! just say those words "I do"

Else please understand that your credit card will be abused like this for the rest of your life, and you will have to take all this with a smile on your face. so think twice before you do the DO!

3: The Chewing Gum Technique
Technique Summary: A very simple, quick but effective technique. Go to your nearest super store and buy a single chewing gum. Now put into your mouth and start chewing it, enjoy the sweet flavored juices, which will flow in your mouth for sometime, then the chewing will start turning tasteless, and bland. now you will be tempted to spit the gum and replace with a fresh one. so the real test starts now. You have to keep chewing that gum for the rest of the day. no sweetness, no artificial flavors, no juices, Just a piece of rubber in your mouth.

If you can do it successfully, then the gates of marriage are open and also welcoming you in. Else, some relationships can become like a stale chewing gum, and you have to get used to them, before you get into them.


Hope the above mentioned techniques, will help you in take this important decision of life. These techniques are certified by ISO 2008 Indian Govt Quality Process. Please note that the govt. officials were not bribed to get this done!

Modern Wisdom...

Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock.

To Err is human, to forgive is not a COMPANY policy.

The road to success??.. Is always under construction.

Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but if you think again,… neither does Milk.

In order to get a Loan, you first need to prove that you don't need it.

All the desirable things in life are either illegal, expensive or fattening or married to someone else.

Since Light travels faster than Sound, people appear brighter before you hear them speak.

Everyone has a scheme of getting rich... Which never works.!!

If at first you don't succeed?. Destroy all evidence that you ever tried.!!

You can never determine which side of the bread to butter. If it falls down, it will always land on the buttered side.!!

Anything dropped on the floor will roll over to the most inaccessible corner.!!

As soon as you mention something?? if it is good, it is taken?. If it is bad, it happens.!!

He who has the gold, makes the rules ---- Murphy's golden rule. !!

If you come early, the bus is late. If you come late?? , The bus is still late. !!

Once you have bought something, you will find the same item being sold somewhere else at a cheaper rate. !!

When in a queue, the other line always moves faster and the person in front of you will always have the most complex of transactions.!!

If you have paper, you don't have a pen??. If you have a pen, you don't have paper?? if you have both, no one calls. !!

Especially for engg. Students----
If you have bunked the class, the professor has taken attendance. !!

You will pick up maximum wrong numbers when on roaming. !!

The door bell or your mobile will always ring when you are in the bathroom.!!

After a long wait for bus no.20, two 20 number buses will always pull in together and the bus which you get in will be more crowded than the other. !!

If your exam is tomorrow, there will be a power cut tonight. !!

Irrespective of the direction of the wind, the smoke from the cigarette will always tend to go to the non-smoker!!!

How to start your day ...

1. Open a new file in your PC.
2. Name it " Boss "
3. Send it to the RECYCLE BIN
4. Empty the RECYCLE BIN
5. Your PC will ask you, "Are you sure you want to delete Boss permanently? "
6. Answer calmly, "Yes," and press the mouse button firmly....
7. Feeling better?

Beautiful Nature - Photos

Scientist and stranger on train ...

A scientist gets on a train to go to New York. His cabin also has a poor farmer in it. To pass the time the scientist decides to play a game with the guy.

"I will ask you a question and if you get it wrong, you have to pay me one dollar. Then you ask me a question, and if I get it wrong, you get ten dollars. You ask me a question first." The farmer thinks for a while.

"I know. What has three legs, takes ten hours to climb up a palm tree, and ten seconds to get back down?" The scientist is confused and thinks long and hard about the question. Finally, the train ride is coming to an end. As it pulls into the station, the scientist takes out ten dollars and gives it to the farmer.

"I don''t know. What has three legs, takes ten hours to get up a palm tree and ten seconds to get back down?"

The farmer takes the ten dollars and puts it into his pocket. He then takes out one dollar and hands it to the scientist.

"I don''t know."

Husband and wife jokes ...

Doctor 2 husband: Tuhadi biwi te tuhada blood group same hai.

Husband: Hovega kyon ni, 25-saal to mera khoon jo pee rahi hai!

Husband wife ki godh mein leta hua thaa.

Wife: Kaisa lag raha hai ji.

Husband: Aise jaise bhagwaan Vishnu Shesh naag ki godh mein lete hon.

Q: Why doesn't law permit a man to marry a second woman?

A: Because as per law you cannot be punished twice for the same offence!

Life is a paradox-what u want u don't get (luv), what u get, u don't enjoy(marriage), what u enjoy is not permanent (girlfriend), what is permanent is boring (wife).

What men want: A woman who can cook, a woman who earns good money, a woman who loves him & system to make sure that those 3 women never meet each other!

Lady 2 her maid: Oh Kanta, I hv reason to suspect that my husband is having an affair with his secretary.

Kanta: I don't believe it! U r just saying that 2 make me jealous!

Man: I want a divorce. My wife hasn't spoken to me in six months.

Lawyer: Better think it over. Wives like that are hard to get!

Husband: When I'm gone you'll never find another man like me.

Wife replied: What makes you think I'd want another man like you!

The bride, upon her engagement, went to her mother & said, "I've found a man just like father!"

Mother replied, "So what do u want from me, sympathy?"

Husband : Darling, years ago u had a figure like Coke bottle.

Wife : Yes darling I still do, only differnece is earlier it was 300ml now it's 1.5 ltr.

Why kids are problem for job

A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had phoned in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper.

"Hello?""Is your daddy home?" he asked.

"Yes," whispered the small voice.

"May I talk with him?"

The child whispered, "No."

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mummy there?"

"Yes."

"May I talk with her?"

Again the small voice whispered, "No."

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"

"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman.

"Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"

"No, he's busy", whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?"

"Talking to Mummy and Daddy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?""

A hello-copper" answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.

Again, whispering, the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper."

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle:"ME."

Resolutions that we know we will not keep

I will not buy magazines with AOL disks bound in just to get another 1.44MB disk.

I will stop sending e-mail to my roommate.

I resolve to work with neglected children...my own.

I will answer my snail mail with the same enthusiasm I answer my e-mail.

When I subscribe to a newsgroup or mailing list, I will read all the mail I get from it.

I will stay on the computer as long as I want. What? Okay, dear... I'm coming. Never mind.

No more downloads from alt.binaries.*

I resolve to back up my new 9GB hard drive daily...well, once a week...monthly, perhaps...

I won't try to get onto the Netscape ftp site as soon as a new Navigator beta comes out.

I will try to figure out why I *really* need 7 e-mail addresses.

When I hear "Where do you want to go today?" I won't reply "MS Tech Support."

I will read the manual.

I will spend only one hour on the Net a day.

I will think of a password other than "password."

I will stop checking my e-mail at 3:00 in the morning.

Funny Crash Compilation - 3

New Year Resolutions for Pets

15. I will not eat other animals' poop.

14. I will not lick my human's face after eating animal poop.

13. I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.

12. My head does not belong in the refrigerator.

11. I will no longer be beholden to the sound of the can opener.

10. Cats: Circulate a petition that sleeping become a juried competition in major animal shows.

9. Come to understand that cats are from Venus; dogs are from Mars.

8. Take time from busy schedule to stop and smell the behinds.

7. Hamster: Don't let them figure out I'm just a rat on steroids, or they'll flush me!

6. Get a bite in on that freak who gives me that shot every year.

5. Grow opposable thumb; break into pantry; decide for MYSELF how much food is *too* much.

4. Cats: Use new living room sofa as scratching post.

3. January 1st: Kill the sock! Must kill the sock!January 2nd - December 31: Re-live victory over the sock.

2. The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff. AND the Number 1 New Year's Resolutions Made by Pets...

1. I will NOT chase the stick until I see it LEAVE THE IDIOT'S HAND

New year resolutions for Net Addict

- I will stop sending e-mail to my wife (husband). A phone call every now and then would be appreciated.

- I will answer my snail mail with the same enthusiasm with which I answer my e-mail.

- I will stop sending e-mail, ICQ, Instant Messages and be on the phone at the same time with the same person.

- I resolve to back up my 12GB hard drive daily...well, once a week...okay, monthly then...or maybe... at least once a year.

- I will spend less than one hour a day on the Internet - This, of course, will be hard to estimate since I'm not a clock watcher.

- I will stop checking my e-mail at 3:00 in the morning... 4:30 is much more practical since my friends overseas already had time to answer me by then.

- When I hear a funny joke, I will not reply, "LOL... LOL!"

- I will read the manual... just as soon as I can find it.

- I will think of a password other than "password."

- I resolve... I resolve to... I resolve to, uh... I resolve to, uh, get my, er... I resolve to, uh, get my, er, off-line work done, too!

New Year Resolutions ...

1. I resolve to work with neglected children. (my own).

2. I will answer my snail mail with the same enthusiasm with which I answer my e-mail.

3. When I hear a funny joke I will not reply, "LOL... LOL!"

4. I will not ring the stewardess button on airplanes just to get her phone number.

5. I will balance my checkbook. (on my nose).

6. I will think of a password for my computer other than "password."

7. I will try to figure out why I "really" need 11 e-mail addresses.

8. I will go into McDonald's and order a McSpreader

9. I will go into McDonald's and order a McSlurry

10. I will find out why the correspondence course on "Mail Fraud" that I purchased never showed up.

Happy New Year - 2009

New Year Wishes ....

Then sing, young hearts that are full of cheer,
With never a thought of sorrow;
The old goes out, but the glad young year
Comes merrily in tomorrow
Emily Miller

Be always at war with your vices, at peace with your neighbors, and let each New Year find you a
better man.
Benjamin Franklin

A happy New Year! Grant that I
May bring no tear to any eye
When this New Year in time shall end
Let it be said I’ve played the friend,
Have lived and loved and labored here,
And made of it a happy year.
Edgar A. Guest

We will open the book. Its pages are blank. We are going to put words on them ourselves. The book is called “Opportunity” and its first chapter is New Year’s Day.
Edith Lovejoy Pierce

Resolve to make at least one person happy every day, and then in ten years you may have made three thousand, six hundred and fifty persons happy, or brightened a small town by your contribution to the fund of general enjoyment.
Sydney Smith

Your Merry Christmas may depend on what others do for you. But your Happy New Year depends on what you do for others.
Anonymous

Every new year people make resolutions to change aspects of themselves they believe are negative. A majority of people revert back to how they were before and feel like failures. This year I challenge you to a new resolution. I challenge you to just be yourself.
Aisha Elderwynv

Glory to God in highest heaven,
Who unto man His Son hath given;
While angels sing with tender mirth,
A glad new year to all the earth
Martin Luther King

This bright new year is given me
To live each day with zest
To daily grow and try to be
My highest and my best!
William Arthur Ward

And may we live in a world at peace and with the awareness of God’s love in every sunset, every flower’s unfolding petals, every baby’s smile, every lover’s kiss, and every wonderful, astonishing, miraculous beat of our heart.
Anonymous

In the New Year, may your right hand always be stretched out in friendship, never in want.
Irish Toast

Funny New Year Wishes...

May your hair, your teeth, your face-lift, your abs and your stocks not fall; and may your blood pressure, your triglycerides, your cholesterol, your white blood count and your mortgage interest not rise.

May you get a clean bill of health from your dentist, your cardiologist, your gastro-enterologist, your urologist, your proctologist, your podiatrist, your psychiatrist and your plumber.

May what you see in the mirror delight you, and what others see in you delight them. May someone love you enough to forgive your faults, be blind to your blemishes, and tell the world about your virtues.

May New Year’s Eve find you seated around the table, together with your beloved family and cherished friends. May you find the food better, the environment quieter, the cost much cheaper, and the pleasure much more fulfilling than anything else you might ordinarily do that night.

May the telemarketers wait to make their sales calls until you finish dinner, may the commercials on TV not be louder than the program you have been watching, and may your check book and your budget balance - and include generous amounts for charity.

May you remember to say “I love you” at least once a day to your spouse, your child, your parent, your siblings; but not to your secretary, your nurse, your masseuse, your hairdresser or your tennis instructor.