happy married life ...

Once X asked Y, “What is the secret behind your happy married life?”
Y said, “You should share responsibilities with due love and respect to each other. Then absolutely there will be no problems.”
X asked, “Can you explain?”
Y said, “In my house, I take decisions on bigger issues where as my wife decides on smaller issues. We do not interfere in each others decisions.”
Still not convinced, X asked Y “Give me some examples”
Y said, “Smaller issues like which car we should buy, how much amount to save, when to visit home town, which Sofa, air conditioner, refrigerator to buy, monthly expenses, whether to keep a maid or not etc are decided by my wife. I just agree to it”
X asked, “Then what is your role?”
Y said, “My decisions are only for very big issues. Like whether America should attack Iraq, whether Britain should lift sanction over Zimbabwe, whether to widen African economy, whether Tendulkar should retire etc. Do you know one thing, my wife NEVER objects to any of these”.

The dumbest kid...

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his Customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.”
The barber puts a dollar in one hand and two quarters in the other,
then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?”
The boy takes the quarters and leaves.
“What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!”
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar?”
The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game’s over!”

Milepost 499

A man did accident and Police asked, where is a location of the accident?
The man replied, “approximately near milepost 499.”
Police asked again,”Where is milepost 499?”
The man replied again,”Probably between milepost 498 and 500.”

The Interview ...

Interviewer: Tell me about yourself.
Candidate: I am Kondesh Kulkarni. I did my Tele Communication engineering from BabanRao Dhole-Patil Institute of Technology.

Interviewer: BabanRao Dhole-Patil Institute of Technology? I had never heard of this college before!
Candidate: Great! Even I had not heard of it before getting an admission into it. What happened is - due to cricket world cup I scored badly in 12th. I was getting a paid seat in a good college. But my father said (I prefer to call him 'baap') - "I cannot invest so much of money". (The baap actually said - "I will never waste so much of money on you"). So I had to join this college. Frankly speaking this name - BabanRao Dhole-Patil, can at the most be related to a Shetakari Mahavidyalaya.

Interviewer: ok, ok. It seems you have taken 6 years to complete your engineering.
Candidate : Actually I tried my best to finish it in 4 years. But you know , these cricket matches and football world cup, and tennis tournaments..It is difficult to concentrate. So I flunked in 2nd and 3rd year. So in all I took 4 + 2 = 7 years.

Interviewer: But 4+2 is 6.
Candidate: Oh, is it? You know I always had KT in maths. But I will try to keep this in mind. 4+2 is 6, good, thanks. These cricket matches really affect exams a lot. I think they should ban it.

Interviewer : Good to know that you want cricket matches to be banned.
Candidate: No, no.. I am talking about Exams!!

Interviewer: Ok, What is your biggest achievement in life?
Candidate: Obviously, completing my Engineering. My mom never thought I would complete it. In fact, when I flunked in 3rd year, she was looking for a job for me in BEST (Bus corporation in Maharashtra) through some relative ..

Interviewer: Do you have any plans of higher study?
Candidate: He he he.. Are you kidding? Completing 'lower' education itself was so much of pain!!

Interviewer: Let's talk about technical stuff. On which platforms have you worked?
Candidate: Well, I work at SEEPZ, so you can say Andheri is my current platform. Earlier I was at Vashi center. So Vashi was my platform then. As you can see I have experience of different platforms! (Vashi and Andheri are the places in Mumbai)

Interviewer: And which languages have you used?
Candidate: Marathi, Hindi, English. By the way, I can keep quiet in German, French, Russian and many other languages.

Interviewer: Why VC is better than VB?
Candidate: It is a common sense - C comes after B. So VC is a higher version than VB. I heard very soon they are coming up with a new language VD!

Interviewer : Do you know anything about Assembly Language?
Candidate : Well, I have not heard of it. But I guess, this is the language our ministers and MPs use in assembly.

Interviewer: What is your general project experience?
Candidate: My general experience about projects is - most of the times they are in pipeline!

Interviewer: Can you tell me about your current job?
Candidate: Sure, Currently I am working for Bata InfoTech ltd. Since joining BIL, I am on Bench. Before joining BIL, I used to think that Bench was another software like Windows.

Interviewer: Do you have any project management experience?
Candidate: No, but I guess it shouldn't be difficult. I know Word and Excel. I can talk a lot. I know how to dial for International phone call and use speaker facility. And very important - I know few words like - 'Showstoppers', 'hotfixes', 'SEI-CMM', 'quality', 'versioncontrol', 'deadlines', 'Customer Satisfaction' etc. Also I can blame others for my mistakes!

Interviewer: What are your expectations from our company?
Candidate: Not much.
1. I should at least get 40,000 in hand.
2. I would like to work on a live EJB project. But it should not have deadlines. I personally feel that pressure affects natural talent.
3. I believe in flexi-timings.
4. Dress code is against basic freedom, so I would like to wear t-shirt and jeans.
5. We must have sat-sun off. I will suggest wednesday off also, so as to avoid breakdown due to overwork.
6. I would like to go abroad 3 times a year on short term preferably 1-2 months) assignments. Personally I prefer US, Australia and Europe . But considering the fact that there is a world cup in West Indies in 2007,I don't mind going there in that period . As you can see I am modest and don't have many expectations. So can I assume my selection?

Interviewer: He he he ha ha ha. Thanks for your interest in our organization. In fact I was never entertained so much before. :-)) We look forward to working with you .. welcome to Infosys :-)

Never Give up: Inspirational video

You are net addicted if ...

1. A friend stops to see you since your phone has been busy-----for a year!!!!!"(FOR DIAL UP'S) 
2. You forgot how to work the TV remote control.
3. You see something funny and scream, "LOL, LOL."
4. You tell everyone, that after surgery, your mom went to ICQ ......instead of ICU!
5. You sign off and your screen says you were on for 3 days and 45 minutes.
6. You placed the refrigerator beside your computer.
7. You buy a laptop and a cell phone so you can have ICQ in your car.
8. Tech support calls YOU for help.
9. You beg your friends to get an account so you can "hang out."
10. You get a second phone line just to call out for pizza.
11. You purchase a vanity car license plate with your screen name on it.
12. You say "he he he he" or "heh heh heh" instead of laughing.
13. You say "SCROLL UP" when someone asks what it was you said.
14. You find out divorce papers had been served on you 6 months ago.
15. You talk on the phone with the same person you are sending an instant message to.
16. You look at an annoying person off line and wish that you had your ignore button handy.
17. You start to experience "withdrawal" after not being online for awhile.
18. You say......."Where did the time go??"
19. You sit on ICQ for 6 hours for that certain special person to sign on.
20. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.
21.You end your sentences with.....three or more periods.......
22. Your shoes are suddenly 2 sizes too small.
23. You think faster than the computer.
24. You enter a room and get greeted by 25 people with {{{hugs}}} and ** kisses**.
25. Being called a newbie is a major insult to you.
26. You're on the phone and say BRB.
27. Your teacher or boss recommends a drug test for the blood shot eyes.
28. Your answering machine/voice mail sounds a little like this...."BRB. Leave your S/N and I'll TTYL ASAP".
29. You get up at 2:00 AM to go to the bathroom and turn the computer on instead.
30. You need to be pried from your computer by the Jaws-of-life

Army of the Lord ...

Jack was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. The preacher grabbed Jack by the hand and pulled him aside. The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!" 

Jack replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor." 

Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?" 

Jack whispered back, "I'm in the secret service."

A Buddhist monk

A Buddhist monk, visiting New York City for the first time in twenty years, walked up to a hot dog vendor, handed him a twenty dollar bill, and said, “Make me one with everything.” 

The vendor pocketed the money, and handed the Buddhist monk his hot dog. The monk, after waiting for a moment, asked for his change. The vendor looked at him and said, “Change comes from within.” With a wistful smile, the monk walked away.

Husband and wife ..

They were married, but since the argument they had a few days earlier, they hadn't been talking to each other.

Instead, they were giving each other written notes.

One evening he gave her a paper where it said:

"Wake me up tomorrow morning at 6 am."

The next morning he woke up and saw that it was 9 o'clock.

Naturally he got very angry, but as he turned around he found a note on his pillow saying:

"Wake up, it's 6 o'clock!"

Revange by animals ...

Appraisal letter...

There was a contest in a software company to write a fictional story for 500 words max which would start with the line " On a dark and foggy night, a small figure lay huddled on the railway tracks leading to the Bangalore station " 

This is what a guy wrote for the contest....... and surprisingly, it was adjudged the best short story : ))

On a dark and foggy night, a small figure lay huddled on the railway tracks leading to the Bangalore station. At once I was held back to see someone in that position during midnight with no one around. With curiosity taking the front seat, I went near the body and tried to investigate it. 

There was blood all over the body which was lying face down. It seemed that a ruthless blow by the last train could have caused the end of this body which seemed to be that of a guy of around my age. Amidst the gory blood flow, I could see a folded white envelope which was fluttering in the midnight wind. Carefully I took the blood stained envelope and was surprised to see the phrase "appraisal letter" on it. With curiosity rising every moment, I wasted no time in opening the envelope to see if I can find some details about the dead guy. The tag around the body's neck and the jazzy appraisal cover gave me the hint that he might be a software engineer. 

I opened the envelope to find a shining paper on which the appraisal details where typed in flying colors. Thunders broke into my ears and lightening struck my heart when I saw the appraisal amount of the dead guy!!!!! My God, it was not even, as much as the cost of the letter on which the appraisal details were printed.... My heart poured out for the guy and huge calls were heard inside my mind saying "no wonder, this guy died such a miserable death"... 

As a fellow worker in the same industry, I thought I should mourn for him for the sake of respect and stood there with a heavy heart thinking of the shock that he would have experienced when his manager had placed the appraisal letter in his hand. I am sure his heart would have stopped and eyes would have gone blank for few seconds looking at the near to nothing increment in his salary. 

While I mourned for him, for a second my hands froze to see the employee's name in the appraisal letter... hey, what a strange co-incidence, this guy's name is same as mine, including the initials. This was interesting. With some mental strength, I turned the body upside down and found myself fainted for a second. The guy not only had my name, but also looked exactly like me. Same looks, same built, same name.... it was me who was dead there!!!!!!!! 

While I was lost in that shock, I felt someone patting on my shoulders. My heart stopped completely, I could not breathe and sprung in fear to see who was behind......... splash!!! Went the glass of water on my laptop screen as I came out of my wild dream to see my manager standing behind my chair patting on my shoulder saying, "wake up man? Come to meeting room number two. I have your appraisal letter ready". 

Young beautiful Blonde

A beautiful young blond woman boards a plane to LA with a ticket for the coach section. She looks at the seats in coach and then looks ahead to the first class seats. Seeing that the first class seats appear to be much larger and more comfortable, she moves forward to the last empty one. The flight attendant checks her ticket and tells the woman that her seat is in coach.

The blond replies, "I'm young, blond and beautiful, and I'm going to sit here all the way to LA."

Flustered, the flight attendant goes to the cockpit and informs the captain of the blond problem. The captain goes back and tells the woman that her assigned seat is in coach.

Again, the blond replies, "I'm young, blond and beautiful, and I'm going to sit here all the way to LA."

The captain doesn't want to cause a commotion, and so returns to the cockpit to discuss the blond with the co-pilot. The co-pilot says that he has a blond girlfriend, and that he can take care of the problem. He then goes back and briefly whispers something into the blonde's ear.

She immediately gets up, says, "Thank you so much," hugs the co-pilot, and rushes back to her seat in the coach section. The pilot and flight attendant, who were watching with rapt attention, together ask the co-pilot what he had said to the woman.

He replies, "I just told her that the first class section isn't going to LA."

Is computer a male or female ...

language instructor was explaining to her class that French nouns, unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine.
Things like 'chalk' or 'pencil,' she described, would have a gender association although in English these words were neutral. Puzzled, one student raised his hand and asked, "What gender is a computer?"
The teacher wasn't certain which it was,and so divided the class into two groups and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. One group was comprised of the women in the class, and the other, of men. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.
The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in masculine gender because: 1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on. 2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless. 3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem. 4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.
The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because: 1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic. 2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else. 3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval. 4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories

Man Vs Woman ...

1. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want. 

2. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. 

3. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. 

4. To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot & love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at all. 

5. Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die. 

6. Any married man should forget his mistakes-there's no use in two people remembering the same thing. 

7. Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night. 

8. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change & she does. 

9. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

Funny Crash Compilation - 10

Old age hearing !!!

An old man decided his old wife was getting hard of hearing. So he called her doctor to make an appointment to have her hearing checked. The doctor said he could see her in two weeks, and meanwhile there's a simple, informal test the husband could do to give the doctor some idea of the dimensions of the problem.
"Here's what you do. Start about 40 feet away from her, and speak in a normal onversational tone and see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."
So that evening she's in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he's in the living room, and he says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens."
"Honey, what's for supper?"
No response.
So he moves to the other end of the room, about 30 feet away. "Honey, what's for supper?"
No response.
So he moves into the dining room, about 20 feet away. "Honey, what's for supper?"
No response.
On to the kitchen door, only 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for supper?".
No response.
So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for supper?"
"For the fifth time, CHICKEN!"

One liners ......

-- All men are idiots, and I married their king.
-- Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot.
-- I brake for no apparent reason.
-- Time is what keeps everything from happening all at once.
-- Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
-- I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
-- Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
-- Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
-- I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
-- Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off NOW.
-- Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
-- Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
-- Puritanism: the haunting fear that someone somewhere may be happy.
-- Consciousness cuts into my napping.
-- Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
-- There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't.
-- Keep honking. I'm reloading.

Marriage in Heaven

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal
car accident.

The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St.
Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder:
Could they possibly get married in Heaven?

When St. Peter showed up, they asked him.

St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let
me go find out." and he leaves.

The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple are
still waiting. As they waited, they discussed that if they were allowed to
get married in Heaven, what was the eternal aspect of it all. "What if it
doesn't work?" they wondered, "Are we stuck together forever?"

After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat
bedraggled.

"Yes," he informs the couple, "you can get married in Heaven."
'
"Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't
work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground.

"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.

"OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouted, "It took me three months to find a priest
up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?!

Headlines 2020 ...

The Times of India - Headlines Dated 1.1.2020:


1. President Sonia Gandhi n Prime Minister Priyanka Gandhi receive Italy Prime Minister Rahul Gandhi at airport!!!

2. This is my last film - Mithun.

3. I'll surely enter in to Indian Team - Ganguly.

4. Salman, Vivek, Abhishek attend Ashiwarya rai - Dhoni wedding.

5. "Kyunki Saas bhi kabhi bahu thi" completes 25000th Episode.

Tulsi virani becomes Great Great Great Great Grand-Mother.


And the best part, baa is still alive!!!!

Fruit Cake Recipe ...

You'll need the following: a cup of water, a cup of sugar, four large eggs, two cups of dried fruit, a teaspoon of baking soda, a teaspoon of salt, a cup of brown sugar, lemon juice, nuts, and a bottle of whisky.

Sample the whisky to check for quality.

Take a large bowl. Check the whisky again. To be sure it is the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar and beat again.

Make sure the whisky is still okay. Cry another tup. Turn off the mixer. Break two leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers pry it loose with a drewscriver.

Sample the whisky to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Who cares? Check the whisky. Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something. Whatever you can find.

Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Throw the bowl out of the window, check the whisky again and go to bed.

Managing Director ...

A man joined a big Multi National Company as a trainee.... 

On his first day; he dialed the kitchen and shouted into the phone: "Get
me a cup of coffee, quickly!"

The voice from the other side responded: "You fool; you've dialed the 
wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to?"

"No" replied the trainee. 

"It's the Managing Director of the company, you idiot!"

The trainee shouted back: "And do you know who YOU are talking to, you
IDIOT?"

"No!" replied the Managing Director angrily.

"Thank God!" replied the trainee and put down the phone... 

Cheers!!!

Too many problems...

A policeman pulls over a driver for swerving in and out of lanes on the highway. He tells the guy to blow a breath into a breathalyzer.

''I can't do that, officer.''

''Why not?''

''Because I'm an asthmatic. I could get an asthma attack if I blow into that tube.''

''Okay, we'll just get a urine sample down at the station.''

''Can't do that either, officer.''

''Why not?''

''Because I'm a diabetic. I could get low blood sugar if I pee in a cup.''

''Alright, we could get a blood sample.''

''Can't do that either, officer.''

''Why not?''

''Because I'm a hemophiliac. If I give blood I could die.''

''Fine then, just walk this white line.''

''Can't do that either, officer.''

''Why not?''

''Because I'm drunk.''

Smart Kangaroo...

A kangaroo at the Sydney zoo kept getting out of his enclosure every night.

Knowing that mature kangaroos could hop very high, the zoo officials replaced the eight-foot fence with a ten-foot fence.

He was out the next morning, just roaming around the zoo.

They tore down the ten-foot fence and put up a fifteen-foot fence.

He was out again the next morning.

A twenty-foot fence was put up.

Again he go out.

When the fence was forty feet high, a camel in the next enclosure asked the
kangaroo,

"How high do you think they'll go?"

The kangaroo said, "About a thousand feet, unless somebody thinks
to lock the gate at night!"

Funny Crash Compilation - 9

Control of wife...

Men and women on earth die and go to heaven
God comes and says: - 
"I want the men to form two queues, one line for the men who had control over their women, and the other one for the men who were controlled by their women. Also, I want all the women to go away so that no man and woman can talk." 
Next time God comes back, the women are gone, and there are two lines. The line for the men who were controlled by their women is 100 miles 
long, and in the line of men who had control over their women there is only one man. 
God gets mad and says, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image, and you were all controlled by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons who stood up and made me proud. Learn from him!" 
"Tell them, my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?" 

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

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.

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.

The man replies, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."

Smart Duck ...

A duck walks into a bar and asks the bar tender, "Got any 'gwapes'?", and the bartender replies, "No, sorry I don't sell grapes here." So the duck leaves and goes home to rest and the next day he walks into the same bar and asks the bar tender, "Got any gwapes?" The bartender replies, "No, sorry I don't sell grape here." The duck leaves and goes home to rest and the next day, he goes back to the bar and asks the bartender, "Got any gwapes?" The bartender angrily replies, "I don't want to have to tell you again, I don't sell grapes here and if you ask me again I will nail your beek to the counter of the bar!" The duck leaves and goes home to rest. The next day the duck goes to the bar and asks, "Got any nails?" The bartender looks at him and screams, "No, we don't have any nails!" The duck then asks, "Got any gwapes?"

A blonde in Washington

A blonde was visiting Washington, DC for the first time. She wanted to see the Capitol building. Unfortunately, she couldn't find it, so she asked a police officer for directions -

"Excuse me, officer, how do I get to the Capitol building?"

The officer replied, "Wait here at this bus stop for the number 54 bus. It'll take you right there." She thanked the officer and he drives off.


Three hours later the police officer returned to the same area and, sure enough, the blonde is still waiting at the same bus stop.

The officer got out of his car and said, "Excuse me, but to get to the Capitol building, I said to wait here for the number 54 bus and that was three hours ago! Why are you still waiting?"


The blonde replied, "Don't worry, officer, it won't be long now...

The 45th bus just went by!"

Top 10 Rejection Lines

10. I think of you as a brother.(You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in "Deliverance.")

9. There's a slight difference in our ages. (I don't want to do my dad.)

8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. (You are the ugliest dork I've
ever laid eyes on.)

7. My life is too complicated right now. (I don't want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys I'm seeing.)

6. I've got a boyfriend. (I prefer my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry's.)

5. I don't date men where I work.(I wouldn't date you if you were in the same 'solar system', much less the same building.)

4. It's not you, it's me. (It's you.)

3. I'm concentrating on my career. (Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.)

2. I'm celibate. (I've sworn off only the men like you.)

1. Let's be friends. (I want you to stay around so I can tell you in
excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and have sex with. It's the male perspective thing.)

In response...The male perspective on the same issue...

Top 10 rejection lines given by Men (and what they actually mean...)

10. I think of you as a sister. (You're ugly.)

9. There's a slight difference in our ages. (You're ugly.)

8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. (You're ugly.)

7. My life is too complicated right now. (You're ugly.)

6. I've got a girlfriend. (You're ugly.)

5. I don't date women where I work. (You're ugly.)

4. It's not you, it's me. (You're ugly.)

3. I'm concentrating on my career. (You're ugly.)

2. I'm celibate. (You're ugly.)

1. Let's be friends. (You're sinfully ugly.)