Fun Multiplex

Wife vs Husband...

2011-04-04T03:49:00.001-04:00

Women Friends chatting in office.

Woman 1: I had a fine evening, how was yours?

Woman 2: it was a disaster. My husband came home, ate his dinner in three minutes and fell asleep in two minutes. How was yours?

Woman 1: Oh it was amazing! My husband came home and took me out to a romantic dinner. After dinner we walked for an hour. When we came home he lit the candles around the house and afterwards talked for an hour. It was like a fairytale!

At the same time, their husbands are talking at work.

Husband 1: How was your evening?

Husband 2: Great. I came home, dinner was on the table, I ate and fell asleep. It was great! What about you?

Husband 1: It was horrible. I came home, there's no dinner because they cut the electricity because I hadn't paid the bill; so I had to take my wife out to dinner which was so expensive that I didn't have money left for a cab. We had to walk home which took an hour; and when we got home remember there was no electricity so I had to light candles all over the house! After all, I was so aggravated that I couldn't fall asleep and my wife was jabbering away for another hour!

Lucky number !!!!!

2011-04-02T03:46:00.001-04:00

A fellow got up one Saturday morning with the odd feeling that something about this day was to be different.

Something unusual was about to happen today. He glanced out the window at the thermometer: 33 degrees. He went downstairs - the clock had stopped at 3 o'clock. He picked up the newspaper and read the date: the 3rd of the month.

Threes - that was it!

He grabbed the paper and flipped it open to the racing section. Sure enough in the 3rd race, there was a horse named Trio! The fellow hurried to the bank, drew out his life savings and bet it all on the horse to win.

When the Race finished the horse finished 3rd.

Time zone...

2011-03-31T03:40:00.001-04:00

I used to work in technical support for a 24x7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open.

I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week."

He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?"

Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific."

Blonde and science...

2011-03-29T03:38:00.002-04:00

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature.

Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"

She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

Breakfast after honeymoon

2011-03-27T03:35:00.001-04:00

The first morning after the honeymoon, the husband got up early, went down to the kitchen, and brought his wife her breakfast in bed. Naturally, she was delighted.

Then he spoke: "Have you noticed just what I have done?"

"Of course, dear. Every single detail!"

"Good. That's how I want my breakfast served every morning."

Fishing ...

2011-03-25T03:33:00.001-04:00

A fisherman from the city was out fishing on a lake in a small boat. He noticed another man in a small boat open his tackle box and take out a mirror. Being curious, the man rowed over and asked, "What is the mirror for?"

"That's my secret way to catch fish," said the other man. "Shine the mirror on the top of the water. The fish notice the spot of sun on the water above and they swim to the surface. Then I just reach down and net them and pull them into the boat."

"Wow! Does that really work?"

"You bet it does."

"Would you be interested in selling that mirror? I'll give you $30 for it."

"Well, okay."

After the money was transferred, the city fisherman asked, "By the way, how many fish have you caught this week?"

"You're the sixth," he said.

Cricket in Heaven

2011-03-23T03:27:00.002-04:00

Two fast friends, Santa Singh and Banta Singh, were great cricket fanatics.

They decided that whoever dies first will try to come back in the dreams of the other, and tell the other about the Cricket life in heaven.

Santa Singh dies first.

One day as Banta was fast sleep, he heard Santa calling him.

He was very happy and was eager to know about cricket there.

“So, Santa! How is cricket in heaven?”

Santa replied,

“Hey Banta, I have good news and bad news.

The good news is that tomorrow we are going to have a day & night match here in heaven.”

“And the bad news is that you are the opening bowler for tomorrow’s match!”

Texan in Toronto...

2011-03-21T03:25:00.001-04:00

A Texan, while visiting Toronto, found himself in the back seat of a taxi cab on the way to his hotel. Passing by the Royal York the Texan asked the cab driver "What's that building there?" "That's the Royal York Hotel" replied the cabbie. "The Royal York? How long did it take to build that?" asked the Texan. "About 12 years" replied the cabbie.

"12 years? We build 'em twice as high, twice as wide and four times as long down in Texas, and we do that in six months."

A while later the cab driver makes his was past the Metro-Toronto Convention Centre. "What's that building over there?" asked the Texan. "That's the Metro-Toronto Convention Centre" replied the cabbie. "Convention Centre? How long'd it take to build that?" asked the Texan. "About three years" replied the cabbie. "Three years? We build 'em twice as high, three times as long and four times as wide as that down in Texas, and it only takes us about two weeks."

Shortly thereafter the cabbie drives past the CN Tower. "What's that building there?" asks the Texan, pointing at the tower. "Danged if I know" replied the cabbie, "It wasn't here when I drove by yesterday."

Directions of googlemaps.com !!!

2011-03-19T03:20:00.001-04:00

1. Go to Google Maps.

2. Go to "Get Directions". ...

3. Type Taiwan as the start location.

4. Type China as the end location......

5. Read STEP 23 of the directions.

Stressed out at work...

2011-03-17T03:15:00.001-04:00

Two Trainees working in the same office, one wanted some time off, but knew the boss wouldn't allow him to take leave.

He decided to act crazy so the boss would tell him to take a few days off. He hung upside down from the ceiling so the other Trainee asks him "What are you doing'?"

"Ah pretending to be ah light bulb so the boss will think ah crazy and give me time off for a few days".

Just then de boss walks in. "What the arse you doing?"

"I am a light bulb" the trainee says.

De boss then said, "Man you stress out. You need few days off to recover...go home and come back when you feel better."

The other Trainee starts walking out the door too...

The boss asks him "Where the hell you think you're going?"

The other Trainee replied "I going home....I cant work in the dark.

Gift for teacher !

2011-03-15T03:12:00.001-04:00

On the last day of kindergarden,all the children Bought presents for their teacher.

The florist’s son Handed the teacher a gift. She shook it, held it up and said,

“I bet I know what it is-its some flower!”

“That’s right !”shouted the little boy.

Then the candy store owner’s daughter handed the teacher A gift she held it up,shook it and said,

“I bet I know what it is –it’s a box of candy !”

“That’s right !”shouted the little girl.

The next gift was from liquor store owner’s son. The teacher, Held it up and saw that it was leaking. She touched a drop With her finger and tasted it.

“Is it wine ?” she asked.

“No,”the boy answered.

The teacher touched another drop to her tongue.

“Is it champagne ?” she asked.

“No,”the boy answered.

Finally,the teacher said,

“I give up,what is it ?”

The boy replied, “A puppy.”

Man or driver ?

2011-03-13T03:05:00.000-04:00

An old man was eating in a truck stop when three bikers walked in.

The first walked up to the old man, pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie and then took a seat at the counter. The second walked up to the old man, spit into the old man's milk and then he took a seat at the counter. The third walked up to the old man, turned over the old man's plate, and then he took a seat at the counter.

Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner.

Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress, "Humph, not much of a man, was he?"

The waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver either. He just backed his truck over three motorcycles."

Bull shit !

2011-03-11T03:03:00.001-04:00

BantaSingh saw an exhausted Santa Singh running up to him.

What happened to you Santaji?"

"There was this nasty big bull in my street that nearly killed me today."

"Oh really, what happened?"

"I was just walking quietly wearing this red shirt, when the animal came charging at me like a locomotive!He almost got me!"

"So, how'd you get away?"

"Well the bull kept slipping. He slipped three times, and that gave me a chance to make it to the fence and jump over."

"That"s scary Santaji. If it'd been me, I would probably have shit all over the place."

"Oye! I DID! What do you think the bull was slipping on?"

Wish for Lawyers

2011-03-09T03:00:00.000-04:00

A man walking on the beach came across an odd-looking bottle. Not being one to ignore tradition, he rubbed it and, much to his surprise, a genie actually appeared.

"For releasing me from the bottle, I will grant you three wishes," said the genie.

"But there's a catch," the genie continued. "For each of your wishes, every lawyer in the world will receive double what you asked for."

First, the man wished for a Ferrari. POOF! A Ferrari appeared in front of him. "Now, every lawyer in the world has been given two Ferraris," said the genie.

"What is your next wish?"

"I could really use a million dollars." replied the man, and POOF! One million dollars appeared at his feet.

"Now, every lawyer in the world is two million dollars richer," the genie reminded the man, and then asked him for his third wish.

The man thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've always wanted to donate a kidney."

Punishment !

2011-03-07T02:58:00.001-04:00

A Lawyer was defending a man in court that had broken a window and stolen some jewelery.

The Lawyer decided to try a unique defense, he told the judge that you shouldn't punish the whole man for something that his arm did.

The judge thought for a minute, then said, "Good point, using your logic I will sentence the defendant's arm to two year in prison, he can accompany his arm or not."

At that the defendant came forward, detached his artificial arm, laid it on the bench and walked out.

Lawyer and client !

2011-03-05T02:55:00.002-04:00

A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse.

In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick:

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom."

He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened.

Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."
The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty.

"But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt, I saw all of you stare at the door."

The jury foreman replied: "Oh, we did look, but your client didn't."

Stairs to Heavan...

2011-03-03T02:51:00.002-04:00

On day a redhead, a brunette, and a blonde were on their way to heaven.

God told them the stairs to heaven were 1,000 steps and on every step he was going to tell them a joke. If they laughed they would not be able to get to heaven.

So the redhead made it to the 45th step and laughed.

The brunette made it to the 200th step and laughed.

But the blonde made it to the 999th step and laughed even before god told his joke.

God asked "Why did you laugh I haven't even told the joke yet"

The blonde said "I know I just now got the first one!!!"

Blonde's Lunch ...

2011-03-01T02:48:00.002-04:00

Three construction workers are on the seventy-fifth floor of a non-finished building. The italian opens his lunch box to find a pizza and says "Man, if I get pizza one more time I am going to jump off this building and fall to my death!" The chinese opens his lunch box to find rice and says "Man, if I get rice one more time I am going to jump off this building and fall to my death!" The blonde opens his lunch box to find a cheeseburger and says" Man, if I get a cheeseburger one more time im going to jump off this building and fall to my death!"

So the next day they all got the same thing and they jumped off the building to their death. That weekend at the funeral, the italian and the chinese wives are crying and saying "I would have fixed him something else for lunch but he never told me." And as the two wives stare at the blondes wife, they both ask why she isn't sad about her husbands death, the blonde replys "Don't look at me, he packs his own lunch."

NASA Eeperiment...

2011-02-27T02:46:00.002-04:00

A blond, a brunette, and a redhead were trying out for a new NASA experiment on sending women to different planets. First, they called the brunette in and asked her a question.

"If you could go to any planet, what planet would you want to go to and why?"

After pondering the question she answered, "I would like to go to Mars because it seems so interesting with all the recent news about possible extra terrestrial life on the planet."

They said "well okay, thank you." And told her that they would get back to her.

Next, the redhead entered the room and the NASA people asked her the same question. In reply, "I would like to go to Saturn to see all of its rings." Again, "thank you" and they would get back to her.

Finally, the blond entered the room and they asked her the same question they asked the brunette and the redhead. She thought for a while and replied, "I would like to go to the sun."

The people from NASA replied, "why, don't you know that if you went to the sun you would burn to death?"

The blond smirked and put her hands on her hips. "Are you guys dumb? I'd go at night!"

Blondie !!!!!

2011-02-25T02:43:00.002-04:00

Q .. How do you sink a submarine full of blondes?

A .. Knock on the door.

Q .. Why does a blonde only change her baby's diapers every month?

A .. The instructions stated, "good for up to 20 pounds".

Q .. What stops then goes then stops then goes?

A .. A blonde at a blinking red light.

Q .. What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty?

A .. A blonde parade.

Q .. What is the blonde's highest ambition in life?

A .. They want to be like Vanna White and learn the alphabet.

Q .. What are the six worst years in a blonde's life.

A .. Third grade.

Q .. What do UFO's and smart blondes have in common?

A .. You keep hearing about them, but never see any.

Q .. How to you keep a blonde busy all day?

A .. Put her in a round room and tell her to sit in the corner.

Q .. What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you?

A .. Run! She's got a hand grenade in her mouth.

Blondie !!!!

2011-02-23T02:41:00.002-04:00

Q .. How do you keep a blonde in suspense?

A .. I'll tell you tomorrow.

Q .. Why can't the blonde make ice cubes?

A .. She lost the recipe.

Q .. How do you hit a blonde so she will never know it?

A .. With a thought.

Q .. Why did the blonde put her finger over the nail when she was hammering?

A .. The noise gave her a headache.

Q .. How does a blond know if she's on her way home or on her way to work?

A .. She opens her lunch box to see if there is anything in it.

Q .. What is a cool refreshing drink for a blonde?

A .. Perri-air.

Q .. Did you hear about the blonde coyote?

A .. Got stuck in a trap, chewed off three legs and was still stuck.

Q .. When is it legal to shoot a blonde in the head?

A .. When you have a tire pump to reinflate it!

Q .. Did you here about the blonde who shot an arrow into the air?

A .. She missed.

Q .. What is it called when a blonde blows in another blond's ear?

A .. Data transfer.

Blondie !!!

2011-02-21T02:39:00.000-04:00

Q .. What do you see when you look into a blonde's eyes?

A .. The back of her head.

Q .. What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair brunette?

A .. Artificial intelligence.

Q .. What do you do when a blonde throws a hand grenade at you?

A .. Pull the pin and throw it back.

Q .. What does a blond and a beer bottle have in common?

A .. They're both empty from the neck up.

Q .. What does a blonde owl say?

A .. What, what?

Q .. What's the Blonde's cheer?

A .. " I'm blonde, I'm blonde, I'm B.L.O.N....ah, oh well.. I'm blonde, I'm blonde, yea yea yea..."

Q .. Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence?

A .. To see what was on the other side.

Q .. Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back?

A .. From crawling across the street when the sign said "don't walk".

Q .. Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?

A .. So she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills.

Q .. Why did the blonde try and steal a police car?

A .. She saw "911" on the back and thought it was a Porsche

Blondie !!

2011-02-19T02:35:00.002-04:00

Q .. What does a blonde say when you ask her if her blinker is on?

A .. It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off.

Q .. What do you get when you offer a blonde a penny for her thoughts?

A .. Change.

Q .. What does a blonde say if you blow in his/her ear?

A .. "Thanks for the refill!"

Q .. What do you call a basement full of blondes?

A .. A whine cellar.

Q .. What do you call a dumb blonde behind a steering wheel?

A .. An Air Bag.

Q .. What do you call a blonde between two brunettes?

A .. A mental block.

Q .. What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear?

A .. A wind tunnel.

Q .. What do you call 15 blondes in a circle?

A .. A dope ring.

Q .. What do you call an unmarried blond in a BMW?

A .. Divorcee'

Q .. What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?

A .. Pregnant.

Blondie !

2011-02-17T02:35:00.003-04:00

Q .. How did the blonde die drinking milk?

A .. The cow fell on her.

Q .. How did the blonde burn her nose?

A .. Bobbing for french fries.

Q .. Why did it take the blonde seven days to drive from St. Louis to Chicago?

A .. She kept seeing signs that read "stop clean bathroom".

Q .. What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer?

A .. Frosted Flakes.

Q .. How can you tell if a blonde's been using the computer?

A .. There's white-out on the screen.

Q .. How can you tell if another blonde's been using the computer?

A .. There's writing on the white-out.

Q .. How can you tell when a fax had been sent from a blonde?

A .. There is a stamp on it.

Q .. How can you tell if a blonde is a good cook?

A .. She gets the pop tarts out of the toaster in one piece.

Q .. Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?

A .. You can park in the handicap zone.

Q .. Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks?

A .. It takes too long to retrain them.

Best Prank

2011-02-01T06:24:00.002-04:00

Best prank ever done by Santa :

Santa calls dominoes and says "bhaia pizza hut ka number dena"

Glass or steel ?

2011-01-31T06:21:00.000-04:00

Problem Can Either Make You Or Break You...
The Hammer That Breaks Glass Can Shape Steel...
It's Upto Us To Be Glass Or Steel...
Have A Willpower Of Steel and The Vision Of Glass .. !!!

Priority !

2011-01-30T06:09:00.000-04:00

Happy Life !!

2011-01-29T06:18:00.000-04:00

5 tips for a happy man's life

1 is to have a gurl to help you @ work,

2. have a gurl to take care & love u.

3. have a gurl who can make you laugh.

4. have a gurl who spoils u.

Lastly

5. make sure these FOUR gurls don't know each other.

No Light !

2011-01-28T06:17:00.000-04:00

Teacher;
Homework Kiun Nhi Kiya?
Stdnt;
Sir,Light Nhi Thi
Teachr;
To Mom Batti Jala Lete
Student;
Sir,Maachis Nhi Thi
Teachr;
Machis Kiun Nai Thi
Student;
Pooja Ghar Me Rkhi Thi.
Teachr;
To Wahan Se Le Aate
Student;
Nahaya Hua Nhi Tha
Teachr;
Nahaye Kiun Nhi Thy
Student;
Pani Nhi Tha Sir
Teachr;
Pani Kiun Nhi Tha?
Student;
Sir Motor Nhi Chal Rahi Thi.
Teachr;
Ullu K Pathy Motor Kiun Nai Chal Rahi Thi ?
Student;
Sir Bataya To Hy Light Nhi Thi

Dog !

2011-01-27T06:12:00.002-04:00

This dog, is dog, a dog, good dog, way dog, to dog, keep dog, an dog, idiot dog, busy dog, for dog, 20 dog, seconds dog!

Now read without the word dog.

Tube Light

2011-01-26T06:10:00.001-04:00

A Smile costs less than Electricity.
But…..
Gives more light !!
So Always Keep Smiling….. &
Prove that u’re the Best TubeLight !!

Secret of Happiness

2011-01-25T06:07:00.000-04:00

IF wealth IS THE SECRET of HAPPINESS,
Then the RICH should be dancing on the STREET..
but only the POOR kids do that..!!!

If POWER eusures security,
then officials should walk unguarded,
But those who live SIMPLY, sleep soundly...!!

IF BEAUTY and FAME bring ideal relationships,
then celebrities should have the best marriages...!!!

live SIMPLY...!!!
walk HUMBLY...!!!
love GENUINELY..!!!

Idea !!!

2011-01-24T06:04:00.000-04:00

To save paper..

Exams shud be given on mobiles
Instead of sheets,

...Coz..!
.
Students hav more typing speed dan writing speed....;-)
.
.
Wat an idea!

Addiction !!

2011-01-23T06:00:00.000-04:00

Heart and head

2011-01-22T05:59:00.000-04:00

Whenever a man makes any important decision, he closes his eyes, thinks a lot, listens to his heart , uses his head and then....
does what his wife says....:D:D

Marketing !

2011-01-21T05:55:00.000-04:00

What is Marketing

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I am very rich. Marry me!" That's Direct Marketing.........

You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says, "He's very rich. Marry him." That's Advertising..........

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm very rich. Marry me." That's Telemarketing............

You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie; you walk up to her and pour her a drink. You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say, "By the way, I'm very rich "Will you marry me?" That's Public Relations.........

You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says, "You are very rich...? That's Brand Recognition.............

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I'm rich. Marry me" She gives you a nice hard slap on your face. That's Customer Feedback.........

Warning !!!

2011-01-20T05:46:00.000-04:00

After an

emotional hug..,

Girl to Boy:

"If u hug me once more like that,

...I will be urs forever.."
.
.
.
.
.

.

Boy:"THANKS FOR THE

WARNING !" :P

Tree !!

2011-01-19T06:15:00.000-04:00

Do or Die

2011-01-19T06:01:00.000-04:00

IF YOU'RE BORN POOR
IT’S NOT YOUR MISTAKE
BUT IF U DIE POOR, IT’S YOUR MISTAKE….

BORN WITH PERSONALITY, IT’S AN ACCIDENT
BUT DYING IN A PERSONALITY IS AN ACHIEVEMENT….

YOUR BIRTH MAY BE NORMAL
BUT YOUR DEATH SHOULD BE HISTORY….

DO OR DIE IS AN OLD CONCEPT
BUT DO BEFORE U DIE IS NEW CONCEPT………

Exams vs Wives

2011-01-19T05:54:00.002-04:00

Exams are like WIVES:
1.Too Many Questions.
2.Difficult To Understand.
3.Elaborate Explanation Is Needed.
4.Result Is Always Unexpected........

Facebook !!!

2011-01-19T05:51:00.001-04:00

boy: I can do anything for you.

girl: Can u die for me ?...

boy: yes!!

girl: can u brring stars for me?

boy: yes!!

girl: oh my baby, can u delete your facebook account for me??

boy: ohh jao baji tmharey ghar waley parishan ho rahey hongey .....

Directions !!!

2011-01-19T05:45:00.002-04:00

Try this, it is really funny:::

1. Go to Google Maps.

2. Go to "Get Directions". ...

3. Type Taiwan as the start location.

4. Type China as the end location......

5. Read STEP 23 of the directions.

Another Cat

2009-12-08T16:33:00.000-04:00

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead were convicted of a crime and sent to jail.

Then they decide to escape, the brunette jumps up on the wall and then jumps in the bushes on the other side.The guards poke their heads around the door to see what the noise was so the brunette says, "meow meow."
The guards say, "Don't worry it was just a cat."

So then the redhead has to go, she gets up on the wall and jumps off into the bushes. Once again the guards come out and see what the trouble was and the redhead says, "meow meow."
The guards say, "oh never mind, just another cat..."

So then its the blonde's turn, so she gets up on the wall and jumps off, and into the bushes. And the guards come out once again to see what all the noise is, so the blonde says, "Don't Worry, its just Another Cat!!"

Crossing the Road

2009-12-07T16:31:00.000-04:00

Two drunks stumble out of a pub in Ireland at about 4:00 in themorning.They stagger to the nearest lamppost and lean against it when alongcomesa policeman.
The first drunk pipes up, "Excuse me, ossifer, but I wonder could youtellme if the last bus to Dublin has left yet." To which the policemanreplies"Of course it has. It's 4:00 in the morning."
The second drunk then weighs in and says, "Sorry, sir, but I wonder ifthelast bus to Galway has left yet." The officer again replies "Of courseithas. It's 4:00 in the morning."
The first drunk then starts up again and asks, "Could you tell meplease,ossifer, has the last bus to Cork gone yet."
The policeman is really irritated now so he shouts, "It's 4am, all thebloody buses have gone!"
And with that the first drunk turns to his friend and says, "Ok, Mick,wecan cross the road now."

Fourth Husband

2009-12-06T16:29:00.000-04:00

A woman announces to her friend that she is getting married for the fourth time.

"How wonderful! But I hope you don't mind me asking what happened to your first husband?"

"He ate poisonous mushrooms and died."

"Oh, how tragic! What about your second husband?"

"He ate poisonous mushrooms too and died."

"Oh, how terrible! I'm almost afraid to ask you about your third husband."

"He died of a broken neck."

"A broken neck?"

"He wouldn't eat the mushrooms."

Texas Cowboy

2009-12-05T16:27:00.002-04:00

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.

"Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!?!?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness. No one answered. "Alright, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!" Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post.

He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go... what happened in Texas?" The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."

Skilled Shooters

2009-12-04T16:26:00.000-04:00

Once upon a time a crowd gathered outside a village to watch a few brave and skilled men present their bow shooting talents.

They picked a person and the first man said: “put an apple on this man’s head and I’ll hit it with my arrow”. The crowd watched in amazement as the arrow went perfectly through the apple and then turned towards the skilled man.

“ I am Robin Hood”.

The second man stepped forward and said: “ put a plum on the man’s head and I’ll take it out with my arrow”. The crowd watched in awe as the arrow perfectly sliced through the plum. The petrified crowd looked at the man.

“ I am Wilhelm Tell”.

Then the third man came forward and said: “place a tiny nut on the man’s head”. The crowd stood still in silence as the man let the arrow fly. The arrow missed the nut and went right through the man’s head. The angry crowd looked at the man.

“ I am .....
"
"
"
"
"
"
"
"
"
"
"
"
"
"
"
"
"
"
"
"
"
sorry”.

Santa and Banta Joke

2009-12-03T16:25:00.000-04:00

Once Santa & Banta were travelling along with their friends Monty & Jaggi. On a road surrounded by forests on both sides, their car was attacked by robbers. Santa & his friends were pulled out of the car. The robbers blasted the car and took Santa, Banta and their friends in the middle of the forest where their boss was residing.

Now, this boss was fond of jokes. So, he put the condition that whoever tells a joke that makes every single person laugh should be left unharmed and alive, but if one single person doesn't laugh then the joke-teller would be shot to death.

Banta started telling the funniest joke he had ever heard, "One day........." and when he was finished, everybody were falling with laughter except Santa. So according to the vow, the boss shot poor Banta.

Now, it was the turn of Monty. He also told the best joke he had ever heard. Again everybody laughed including the boss & his robbers, but still Santa was quite as a statue. So the boss shot him.

Then came Jaggi. As he opened his mouth to tell the joke, Santa suddenly burst into laughter. Everyone was puzzled. Santa was laughing madly.

The boss asked him, "Why the hell are you laughing without hearing the joke?"

Santa said laughing and giggling, "Oh! How funny Banta's joke was!"

Car jacking

2009-12-02T16:22:00.002-04:00

An elderly lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four mens in the act of leaving with her car. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at them at the top of her voice, "I have a gun and I know how to use it!

Get out of the car you scumbags!"

The four men didn't wait for a second invitation but got out and ran like mad, whereupon the lady, somewhat shaken, proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver's seat.

She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried and then it dawned on her why. A few minutes later she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into her car and drove to the police station.

The sergeant to whom she told the story nearly tore himself in two with laughter and pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale white men were reporting a car jacking by a mad elderly woman described as white, less than 5' tall, glasses, and curly white hair carrying a large handgun.

happy married life ...

2009-05-31T00:00:00.000-04:00

Once X asked Y, “What is the secret behind your happy married life?”
Y said, “You should share responsibilities with due love and respect to each other. Then absolutely there will be no problems.”
X asked, “Can you explain?”
Y said, “In my house, I take decisions on bigger issues where as my wife decides on smaller issues. We do not interfere in each others decisions.”
Still not convinced, X asked Y “Give me some examples”
Y said, “Smaller issues like which car we should buy, how much amount to save, when to visit home town, which Sofa, air conditioner, refrigerator to buy, monthly expenses, whether to keep a maid or not etc are decided by my wife. I just agree to it”
X asked, “Then what is your role?”
Y said, “My decisions are only for very big issues. Like whether America should attack Iraq, whether Britain should lift sanction over Zimbabwe, whether to widen African economy, whether Tendulkar should retire etc. Do you know one thing, my wife NEVER objects to any of these”.

The dumbest kid...

2009-05-30T00:00:00.001-04:00

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his Customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.”
The barber puts a dollar in one hand and two quarters in the other,
then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?”
The boy takes the quarters and leaves.
“What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!”
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar?”
The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game’s over!”

Milepost 499

2009-05-29T00:00:00.001-04:00

A man did accident and Police asked, where is a location of the accident?
The man replied, “approximately near milepost 499.”
Police asked again,”Where is milepost 499?”
The man replied again,”Probably between milepost 498 and 500.”

The Interview ...

2009-05-26T00:00:00.000-04:00

Interviewer: Tell me about yourself.
Candidate: I am Kondesh Kulkarni. I did my Tele Communication engineering from BabanRao Dhole-Patil Institute of Technology.

Interviewer: BabanRao Dhole-Patil Institute of Technology? I had never heard of this college before!
Candidate: Great! Even I had not heard of it before getting an admission into it. What happened is - due to cricket world cup I scored badly in 12th. I was getting a paid seat in a good college. But my father said (I prefer to call him 'baap') - "I cannot invest so much of money". (The baap actually said - "I will never waste so much of money on you"). So I had to join this college. Frankly speaking this name - BabanRao Dhole-Patil, can at the most be related to a Shetakari Mahavidyalaya.

Interviewer: ok, ok. It seems you have taken 6 years to complete your engineering.
Candidate : Actually I tried my best to finish it in 4 years. But you know , these cricket matches and football world cup, and tennis tournaments..It is difficult to concentrate. So I flunked in 2nd and 3rd year. So in all I took 4 + 2 = 7 years.

Interviewer: But 4+2 is 6.
Candidate: Oh, is it? You know I always had KT in maths. But I will try to keep this in mind. 4+2 is 6, good, thanks. These cricket matches really affect exams a lot. I think they should ban it.

Interviewer : Good to know that you want cricket matches to be banned.
Candidate: No, no.. I am talking about Exams!!

Interviewer: Ok, What is your biggest achievement in life?
Candidate: Obviously, completing my Engineering. My mom never thought I would complete it. In fact, when I flunked in 3rd year, she was looking for a job for me in BEST (Bus corporation in Maharashtra) through some relative ..

Interviewer: Do you have any plans of higher study?
Candidate: He he he.. Are you kidding? Completing 'lower' education itself was so much of pain!!

Interviewer: Let's talk about technical stuff. On which platforms have you worked?
Candidate: Well, I work at SEEPZ, so you can say Andheri is my current platform. Earlier I was at Vashi center. So Vashi was my platform then. As you can see I have experience of different platforms! (Vashi and Andheri are the places in Mumbai)

Interviewer: And which languages have you used?
Candidate: Marathi, Hindi, English. By the way, I can keep quiet in German, French, Russian and many other languages.

Interviewer: Why VC is better than VB?
Candidate: It is a common sense - C comes after B. So VC is a higher version than VB. I heard very soon they are coming up with a new language VD!

Interviewer : Do you know anything about Assembly Language?
Candidate : Well, I have not heard of it. But I guess, this is the language our ministers and MPs use in assembly.

Interviewer: What is your general project experience?
Candidate: My general experience about projects is - most of the times they are in pipeline!

Interviewer: Can you tell me about your current job?
Candidate: Sure, Currently I am working for Bata InfoTech ltd. Since joining BIL, I am on Bench. Before joining BIL, I used to think that Bench was another software like Windows.

Interviewer: Do you have any project management experience?
Candidate: No, but I guess it shouldn't be difficult. I know Word and Excel. I can talk a lot. I know how to dial for International phone call and use speaker facility. And very important - I know few words like - 'Showstoppers', 'hotfixes', 'SEI-CMM', 'quality', 'versioncontrol', 'deadlines', 'Customer Satisfaction' etc. Also I can blame others for my mistakes!

Interviewer: What are your expectations from our company?
Candidate: Not much.
1. I should at least get 40,000 in hand.
2. I would like to work on a live EJB project. But it should not have deadlines. I personally feel that pressure affects natural talent.
3. I believe in flexi-timings.
4. Dress code is against basic freedom, so I would like to wear t-shirt and jeans.
5. We must have sat-sun off. I will suggest wednesday off also, so as to avoid breakdown due to overwork.
6. I would like to go abroad 3 times a year on short term preferably 1-2 months) assignments. Personally I prefer US, Australia and Europe . But considering the fact that there is a world cup in West Indies in 2007,I don't mind going there in that period . As you can see I am modest and don't have many expectations. So can I assume my selection?

Interviewer: He he he ha ha ha. Thanks for your interest in our organization. In fact I was never entertained so much before. :-)) We look forward to working with you .. welcome to Infosys :-)

Never Give up: Inspirational video

2009-05-25T00:00:00.000-04:00

You are net addicted if ...

2009-05-24T00:00:00.000-04:00

1. A friend stops to see you since your phone has been busy-----for a year!!!!!"(FOR DIAL UP'S)
2. You forgot how to work the TV remote control.
3. You see something funny and scream, "LOL, LOL."
4. You tell everyone, that after surgery, your mom went to ICQ ......instead of ICU!
5. You sign off and your screen says you were on for 3 days and 45 minutes.
6. You placed the refrigerator beside your computer.
7. You buy a laptop and a cell phone so you can have ICQ in your car.
8. Tech support calls YOU for help.
9. You beg your friends to get an account so you can "hang out."
10. You get a second phone line just to call out for pizza.
11. You purchase a vanity car license plate with your screen name on it.
12. You say "he he he he" or "heh heh heh" instead of laughing.
13. You say "SCROLL UP" when someone asks what it was you said.
14. You find out divorce papers had been served on you 6 months ago.
15. You talk on the phone with the same person you are sending an instant message to.
16. You look at an annoying person off line and wish that you had your ignore button handy.
17. You start to experience "withdrawal" after not being online for awhile.
18. You say......."Where did the time go??"
19. You sit on ICQ for 6 hours for that certain special person to sign on.
20. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.
21.You end your sentences with.....three or more periods.......
22. Your shoes are suddenly 2 sizes too small.
23. You think faster than the computer.
24. You enter a room and get greeted by 25 people with {{{hugs}}} and ** kisses**.
25. Being called a newbie is a major insult to you.
26. You're on the phone and say BRB.
27. Your teacher or boss recommends a drug test for the blood shot eyes.
28. Your answering machine/voice mail sounds a little like this...."BRB. Leave your S/N and I'll TTYL ASAP".
29. You get up at 2:00 AM to go to the bathroom and turn the computer on instead.
30. You need to be pried from your computer by the Jaws-of-life

Army of the Lord ...

2009-05-23T00:00:00.000-04:00

Jack was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. The preacher grabbed Jack by the hand and pulled him aside. The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"

Jack replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."

Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?"

Jack whispered back, "I'm in the secret service."

A Buddhist monk

2009-05-22T00:00:00.001-04:00

A Buddhist monk, visiting New York City for the first time in twenty years, walked up to a hot dog vendor, handed him a twenty dollar bill, and said, “Make me one with everything.”

The vendor pocketed the money, and handed the Buddhist monk his hot dog. The monk, after waiting for a moment, asked for his change. The vendor looked at him and said, “Change comes from within.” With a wistful smile, the monk walked away.

Husband and wife ..

2009-05-21T00:00:00.000-04:00

They were married, but since the argument they had a few days earlier, they hadn't been talking to each other.

Instead, they were giving each other written notes.

One evening he gave her a paper where it said:

"Wake me up tomorrow morning at 6 am."

The next morning he woke up and saw that it was 9 o'clock.

Naturally he got very angry, but as he turned around he found a note on his pillow saying:

"Wake up, it's 6 o'clock!"

Revange by animals ...

2009-05-20T00:00:00.001-04:00

Appraisal letter...

2009-05-19T00:00:00.000-04:00

There was a contest in a software company to write a fictional story for 500 words max which would start with the line " On a dark and foggy night, a small figure lay huddled on the railway tracks leading to the Bangalore station "

This is what a guy wrote for the contest....... and surprisingly, it was adjudged the best short story : ))

On a dark and foggy night, a small figure lay huddled on the railway tracks leading to the Bangalore station. At once I was held back to see someone in that position during midnight with no one around. With curiosity taking the front seat, I went near the body and tried to investigate it.

There was blood all over the body which was lying face down. It seemed that a ruthless blow by the last train could have caused the end of this body which seemed to be that of a guy of around my age. Amidst the gory blood flow, I could see a folded white envelope which was fluttering in the midnight wind. Carefully I took the blood stained envelope and was surprised to see the phrase "appraisal letter" on it. With curiosity rising every moment, I wasted no time in opening the envelope to see if I can find some details about the dead guy. The tag around the body's neck and the jazzy appraisal cover gave me the hint that he might be a software engineer.

I opened the envelope to find a shining paper on which the appraisal details where typed in flying colors. Thunders broke into my ears and lightening struck my heart when I saw the appraisal amount of the dead guy!!!!! My God, it was not even, as much as the cost of the letter on which the appraisal details were printed.... My heart poured out for the guy and huge calls were heard inside my mind saying "no wonder, this guy died such a miserable death"...

As a fellow worker in the same industry, I thought I should mourn for him for the sake of respect and stood there with a heavy heart thinking of the shock that he would have experienced when his manager had placed the appraisal letter in his hand. I am sure his heart would have stopped and eyes would have gone blank for few seconds looking at the near to nothing increment in his salary.

While I mourned for him, for a second my hands froze to see the employee's name in the appraisal letter... hey, what a strange co-incidence, this guy's name is same as mine, including the initials. This was interesting. With some mental strength, I turned the body upside down and found myself fainted for a second. The guy not only had my name, but also looked exactly like me. Same looks, same built, same name.... it was me who was dead there!!!!!!!!

While I was lost in that shock, I felt someone patting on my shoulders. My heart stopped completely, I could not breathe and sprung in fear to see who was behind......... splash!!! Went the glass of water on my laptop screen as I came out of my wild dream to see my manager standing behind my chair patting on my shoulder saying, "wake up man? Come to meeting room number two. I have your appraisal letter ready".

Young beautiful Blonde

2009-05-18T00:00:00.000-04:00

A beautiful young blond woman boards a plane to LA with a ticket for the coach section. She looks at the seats in coach and then looks ahead to the first class seats. Seeing that the first class seats appear to be much larger and more comfortable, she moves forward to the last empty one. The flight attendant checks her ticket and tells the woman that her seat is in coach.

The blond replies, "I'm young, blond and beautiful, and I'm going to sit here all the way to LA."

Flustered, the flight attendant goes to the cockpit and informs the captain of the blond problem. The captain goes back and tells the woman that her assigned seat is in coach.

Again, the blond replies, "I'm young, blond and beautiful, and I'm going to sit here all the way to LA."

The captain doesn't want to cause a commotion, and so returns to the cockpit to discuss the blond with the co-pilot. The co-pilot says that he has a blond girlfriend, and that he can take care of the problem. He then goes back and briefly whispers something into the blonde's ear.

She immediately gets up, says, "Thank you so much," hugs the co-pilot, and rushes back to her seat in the coach section. The pilot and flight attendant, who were watching with rapt attention, together ask the co-pilot what he had said to the woman.

He replies, "I just told her that the first class section isn't going to LA."

Is computer a male or female ...

2009-05-17T00:00:00.000-04:00

language instructor was explaining to her class that French nouns, unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine.
Things like 'chalk' or 'pencil,' she described, would have a gender association although in English these words were neutral. Puzzled, one student raised his hand and asked, "What gender is a computer?"
The teacher wasn't certain which it was,and so divided the class into two groups and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. One group was comprised of the women in the class, and the other, of men. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.
The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in masculine gender because: 1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on. 2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless. 3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem. 4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.
The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because: 1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic. 2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else. 3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval. 4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories

Man Vs Woman ...

2009-05-16T00:00:00.000-04:00

1. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.

2. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

3. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

4. To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot & love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at all.

5. Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

6. Any married man should forget his mistakes-there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

7. Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

8. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change & she does.

9. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

Funny Crash Compilation - 10

2009-05-15T00:00:00.000-04:00

Old age hearing !!!

2009-05-14T00:00:00.000-04:00

An old man decided his old wife was getting hard of hearing. So he called her doctor to make an appointment to have her hearing checked. The doctor said he could see her in two weeks, and meanwhile there's a simple, informal test the husband could do to give the doctor some idea of the dimensions of the problem.
"Here's what you do. Start about 40 feet away from her, and speak in a normal onversational tone and see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."
So that evening she's in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he's in the living room, and he says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens."
"Honey, what's for supper?"
No response.
So he moves to the other end of the room, about 30 feet away. "Honey, what's for supper?"
No response.
So he moves into the dining room, about 20 feet away. "Honey, what's for supper?"
No response.
On to the kitchen door, only 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for supper?".
No response.
So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for supper?"
"For the fifth time, CHICKEN!"

One liners ......

2009-05-13T00:00:00.000-04:00

-- All men are idiots, and I married their king.
-- Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot.
-- I brake for no apparent reason.
-- Time is what keeps everything from happening all at once.
-- Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
-- I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
-- Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
-- Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
-- I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
-- Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off NOW.
-- Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
-- Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
-- Puritanism: the haunting fear that someone somewhere may be happy.
-- Consciousness cuts into my napping.
-- Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
-- There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't.
-- Keep honking. I'm reloading.

Marriage in Heaven

2009-05-12T00:00:00.000-04:00

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal
car accident.

The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St.
Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder:
Could they possibly get married in Heaven?

When St. Peter showed up, they asked him.

St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let
me go find out." and he leaves.

The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple are
still waiting. As they waited, they discussed that if they were allowed to
get married in Heaven, what was the eternal aspect of it all. "What if it
doesn't work?" they wondered, "Are we stuck together forever?"

After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat
bedraggled.

"Yes," he informs the couple, "you can get married in Heaven."
'
"Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't
work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground.

"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.

"OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouted, "It took me three months to find a priest
up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?!

Headlines 2020 ...

2009-05-11T00:00:00.000-04:00

The Times of India - Headlines Dated 1.1.2020:

1. President Sonia Gandhi n Prime Minister Priyanka Gandhi receive Italy Prime Minister Rahul Gandhi at airport!!!

2. This is my last film - Mithun.

3. I'll surely enter in to Indian Team - Ganguly.

4. Salman, Vivek, Abhishek attend Ashiwarya rai - Dhoni wedding.

5. "Kyunki Saas bhi kabhi bahu thi" completes 25000th Episode.

Tulsi virani becomes Great Great Great Great Grand-Mother.

And the best part, baa is still alive!!!!

Fruit Cake Recipe ...

2009-05-09T00:00:00.000-04:00

You'll need the following: a cup of water, a cup of sugar, four large eggs, two cups of dried fruit, a teaspoon of baking soda, a teaspoon of salt, a cup of brown sugar, lemon juice, nuts, and a bottle of whisky.

Sample the whisky to check for quality.

Take a large bowl. Check the whisky again. To be sure it is the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar and beat again.

Make sure the whisky is still okay. Cry another tup. Turn off the mixer. Break two leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers pry it loose with a drewscriver.

Sample the whisky to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Who cares? Check the whisky. Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something. Whatever you can find.

Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Throw the bowl out of the window, check the whisky again and go to bed.

Managing Director ...

2009-05-08T00:00:00.000-04:00

A man joined a big Multi National Company as a trainee....

On his first day; he dialed the kitchen and shouted into the phone: "Get
me a cup of coffee, quickly!"

The voice from the other side responded: "You fool; you've dialed the
wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to?"

"No" replied the trainee.

"It's the Managing Director of the company, you idiot!"

The trainee shouted back: "And do you know who YOU are talking to, you
IDIOT?"

"No!" replied the Managing Director angrily.

"Thank God!" replied the trainee and put down the phone...

Cheers!!!

Too many problems...

2009-05-07T00:00:00.000-04:00

A policeman pulls over a driver for swerving in and out of lanes on the highway. He tells the guy to blow a breath into a breathalyzer.

''I can't do that, officer.''

''Why not?''

''Because I'm an asthmatic. I could get an asthma attack if I blow into that tube.''

''Okay, we'll just get a urine sample down at the station.''

''Can't do that either, officer.''

''Why not?''

''Because I'm a diabetic. I could get low blood sugar if I pee in a cup.''

''Alright, we could get a blood sample.''

''Can't do that either, officer.''

''Why not?''

''Because I'm a hemophiliac. If I give blood I could die.''

''Fine then, just walk this white line.''

''Can't do that either, officer.''

''Why not?''

''Because I'm drunk.''

Smart Kangaroo...

2009-05-06T00:00:00.000-04:00

A kangaroo at the Sydney zoo kept getting out of his enclosure every night.

Knowing that mature kangaroos could hop very high, the zoo officials replaced the eight-foot fence with a ten-foot fence.

He was out the next morning, just roaming around the zoo.

They tore down the ten-foot fence and put up a fifteen-foot fence.

He was out again the next morning.

A twenty-foot fence was put up.

Again he go out.

When the fence was forty feet high, a camel in the next enclosure asked the
kangaroo,

"How high do you think they'll go?"

The kangaroo said, "About a thousand feet, unless somebody thinks
to lock the gate at night!"

Funny Crash Compilation - 9

2009-05-05T00:00:00.000-04:00

Control of wife...

2009-05-04T00:00:00.001-04:00

Men and women on earth die and go to heaven
God comes and says: -
"I want the men to form two queues, one line for the men who had control over their women, and the other one for the men who were controlled by their women. Also, I want all the women to go away so that no man and woman can talk."
Next time God comes back, the women are gone, and there are two lines. The line for the men who were controlled by their women is 100 miles
long, and in the line of men who had control over their women there is only one man.
God gets mad and says, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image, and you were all controlled by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons who stood up and made me proud. Learn from him!"
"Tell them, my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"

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The man replies, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."

Smart Duck ...

2009-05-03T00:00:00.000-04:00

A duck walks into a bar and asks the bar tender, "Got any 'gwapes'?", and the bartender replies, "No, sorry I don't sell grapes here." So the duck leaves and goes home to rest and the next day he walks into the same bar and asks the bar tender, "Got any gwapes?" The bartender replies, "No, sorry I don't sell grape here." The duck leaves and goes home to rest and the next day, he goes back to the bar and asks the bartender, "Got any gwapes?" The bartender angrily replies, "I don't want to have to tell you again, I don't sell grapes here and if you ask me again I will nail your beek to the counter of the bar!" The duck leaves and goes home to rest. The next day the duck goes to the bar and asks, "Got any nails?" The bartender looks at him and screams, "No, we don't have any nails!" The duck then asks, "Got any gwapes?"

A blonde in Washington

2009-05-02T00:00:00.001-04:00

A blonde was visiting Washington, DC for the first time. She wanted to see the Capitol building. Unfortunately, she couldn't find it, so she asked a police officer for directions -

"Excuse me, officer, how do I get to the Capitol building?"

The officer replied, "Wait here at this bus stop for the number 54 bus. It'll take you right there." She thanked the officer and he drives off.

Three hours later the police officer returned to the same area and, sure enough, the blonde is still waiting at the same bus stop.

The officer got out of his car and said, "Excuse me, but to get to the Capitol building, I said to wait here for the number 54 bus and that was three hours ago! Why are you still waiting?"

The blonde replied, "Don't worry, officer, it won't be long now...

The 45th bus just went by!"

Top 10 Rejection Lines

2009-05-01T00:00:00.001-04:00

10. I think of you as a brother.(You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in "Deliverance.")

9. There's a slight difference in our ages. (I don't want to do my dad.)

8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. (You are the ugliest dork I've
ever laid eyes on.)

7. My life is too complicated right now. (I don't want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys I'm seeing.)

6. I've got a boyfriend. (I prefer my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry's.)

5. I don't date men where I work.(I wouldn't date you if you were in the same 'solar system', much less the same building.)

4. It's not you, it's me. (It's you.)

3. I'm concentrating on my career. (Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.)

2. I'm celibate. (I've sworn off only the men like you.)

1. Let's be friends. (I want you to stay around so I can tell you in
excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and have sex with. It's the male perspective thing.)

In response...The male perspective on the same issue...

Top 10 rejection lines given by Men (and what they actually mean...)

10. I think of you as a sister. (You're ugly.)

9. There's a slight difference in our ages. (You're ugly.)

8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. (You're ugly.)

7. My life is too complicated right now. (You're ugly.)

6. I've got a girlfriend. (You're ugly.)

5. I don't date women where I work. (You're ugly.)

4. It's not you, it's me. (You're ugly.)

3. I'm concentrating on my career. (You're ugly.)

2. I'm celibate. (You're ugly.)

1. Let's be friends. (You're sinfully ugly.)

Funny Crash Compilation - 8

2009-02-25T00:00:00.001-04:00

Boy and Girl at ATM ...

2009-02-21T00:00:00.000-04:00

How a BOY withdraws cash from ATM.

1. Park the car

2. Go to ATM Machine

3. Insert card

4. Enter PIN

5. Take money out

6. Take ATM Card out

7. Drive away

How a GIRL withdraws cash from ATM

1. Park the car

2. Check makeup

3. Turn off engine

4. Check makeup

5. Go to ATM

6. Hunt for ATM card in the purse

7. Insert card

8. Hit Cancel

9. Hunt in purse for chit with PIN written on it

10. Insert card

11. Enter PIN

12. Take cash

13. Go to car

14. Check makeup

15. Start car

16. Stop car

17. Run back to ATM

18. Take ATM card

19. Back to car

20. Check makeup

21. Start car

22. Check makeup

23. Drive for 1/2 mile

24. Release handbrake

25. Drive on.

Cost to get company ...

2009-02-19T00:00:00.000-04:00

After God created Adam, and Adam had been in the Garden for a really long time, he started to get a little lonely. So, Adam went to God and said, "This Garden is amazing, but I'm starting to get a little lonely; is there anyone that you can send to keep me company?"

God answered, "I have the perfect person. She will help you with almost everything. She'll clean, cook, wash you clothes, be your friend, and even rub your feet after a long day. She really is perfect in every way!"

Adam said, "That sounds great! How soon can you send her?"

God replied again, "I can send her right away, but there is one thing ... it's going to cost you an arm and a leg to get her."

Adam thought for a moment, and then said, "What can I get for a rib?"

Math by a school kid ...

2009-02-18T00:00:00.000-04:00

One Day at school a math teacher decided to quiz her class in addition.

Teacher: "If I give you two cats plus two cats plus another two cats how many cats do you have?"

Little Johnny: "Seven."

Teacher: "No Little Johnny that's not right." "look If I give you two oranges plus two oranges plus another two oranges how many do you have?'

Little Johnny: "Six."

Teacher: "Correct Little Johnny." "Now If I give you two cats plus two more cats then another two cats how many cats do you have?"

Little Johnny: "Seven."

Teacher: "NO JOHNNY HOW DO U KEEP GETTING SEVEN!?"

Little Johnny: "Because Mrs. I already have a cat at home."

Women can never be satisfied

2009-02-17T00:00:00.001-04:00

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 543,310,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

Restaurant by Microsoft ...

2009-02-16T00:00:00.000-04:00

Patron: Waiter!
Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill. I'll be your Support Waiter. What seems to be the problem?
Patron: There's a fly in my soup!
Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time.
Patron: No, it's still there.
Waiter: Maybe it's the way you're using the soup; try eating it with a fork instead.
Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.
Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl; what kind of bowl are you using?
Patron: A SOUP bowl!
Waiter: That should work. Could be a configuration problem; how was the bowl set up?
Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer; what has that to do with the fly in my soup?!
Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup?
Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!
Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?
Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day?
Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.
Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?
Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato.
Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup, and the check. I'm running late now.
Waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check.
Waiter: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check.
Patron: This is potato soup.
Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn't ready yet.
Patron: Well, I'm so hungry now, I'll eat anything.
Waiter leaves.
Patron: Waiter! There's a gnat in my soup!

The bill:
Soup of the Day £5.00
Upgrade to the newer Soup of the Day £4.50
Access to support £2.00

Funny Crash Compilation - 7

2009-02-15T00:00:00.000-04:00

Learn Chinese in 5 min ...

2009-02-14T00:00:00.000-04:00

English: He's cleaning his automobile
Chinese: Wa Shing Ka

English: This is a tow away zone
Chinese: No Pah King

English: Small Horse
Chinese: Tai Ni Po Ni

English: Your price is too high!!!
Chinese: No Bai Nut Ding!!!

English: Did you go to the beach?
Chinese: Wai Yu So Tan?

English: I bumped into a coffee table
Chinese: Ai Bang Mai Ni

English: It's very dark in here
Chinese: Wai So Dim?

English: Has your flight been delayed?
Chinese: Hao Long Wei Ting?

English: I thought you were on a diet?
Chinese: Wai Yu Mun Ching?

English: They have arrived
Chinese: Hai Dei Kum

English: Your body odor is offensive
Chinese: Yu Stin Ki Pu

English: You know lyrics to the Macarena?
Chinese: Wai Yu Sing Dum Song?

English: I got this for free
Chinese: Ai No Pei

English: Stay out of sight
Chinese: Lei Lo

English: Phew! Does this bathroom stink!
Chinese: Hu Flung Dung?

English: That's not right
Chinese: Sum Ting Wong

English: Are you harboring a fugitive?
Chinese: Hu Yu Hai Ding?

English: See me ASAP
Chinese: Kum Hia Nao

English: Stupid Man
Chinese: Dum Gai

English: I think you need a face lift
Chinese: Chin Tu Fat

English: I thought you were on a diet
Chinese: Wai Yu Mun Ching?

English: Our meeting is scheduled for next week
Chinese: Wai Yu Kum Nao?

English: Staying out of sight
Chinese: Lei Ying Lo

English: Great
Chinese: Fu Kin Su Pah

Pirate with a hook ...

2009-02-13T00:00:00.000-04:00

A sailor meets a pirate in a bar, and they take turns recounting their adventures at sea. Noting the pirate's peg-leg, hook, and eye patch The sailor asks "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"
The pirate replies "We was caught in a monster storm off the cape and a giant wave swept me overboard. Just as they were pullin' me out, a school of sharks appeared and one of 'em bit me leg off".
"Blimey!" said the sailor. "What about the hook"?
"Ahhhh...", mused the pirate, "We were boardin' a trader ship, pistols blastin' and swords swingin' this way and that. In the fracas me hand got chopped off."
"Zounds!" remarked the sailor. "And how came ye by the eye patch"?
"A seagull droppin' fell into me eye", answered the pirate.
"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked incredulously.
"Well..." said the pirate, "..it was me first day with the hook."

Different views ...

2009-02-12T00:00:00.000-04:00

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
Watson pondered for a minute.
"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets."
"Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo."
"Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three."
"Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant."
"Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow."
"What does it tell you, Holmes?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke: "Some bastard has stolen our tent."

English language in Europe ...

2009-02-11T00:00:00.001-04:00

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would be known as "Euro-English".
In the first year, 's' will replace the soft 'c'. Sertainly,this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.
The hard 'c' will be dropped in favor of the 'k'. This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome 'ph' will be replased with the 'f'. This will make words like 'fotograf' 20% shorter!
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expected to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double leters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent 'e' in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.
By the 4th year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing 'th' with 'z' and 'w' wiz 'v'.
During ze fifz year ze unesesary 'o' kan be dropd from vords kontaining 'ou' and similar changes vud of kurs be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.
After ze fifz yer ve vil hav a rali sensibl ritn styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evriun vil find it ezi tu undrstand ech ozer.
Zen Z Drem Vil Finali Kum Tru!

Mental Health Hotline ...

2009-02-10T00:00:00.000-04:00

Hello, and welcome to the Mental Health Hotline.

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press-no-one will answer.

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on the line.

If you have amnesia press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number and your mother's maiden name.

If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.

If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you.

Definition of a Wife ...

2009-02-09T00:00:00.000-04:00

Definition of a Wife :

A personality, who will ask you a question, answer it herself and then say you are wrong.

Blonde jokes ...

2009-02-08T00:00:00.000-04:00

Q: What do you call a blonde between two brunettes?
A: A mental block.
Q: What ’s a fly buzzing inside a blondes head?
A: A Space Invader.
Q: What do you call a blond behind a steering wheel?
A: An air bag.

I knew a blonde that….

she studied for a blood test.
she tripped over a cordless phone.
she thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.

A Very Special Day...

2009-02-07T00:00:00.000-04:00

Tu jo suraj chori keeta, kis da si...

Tu jis ghar vich hneraa keeta kis da si ... ???

Cows in different cultures ...

2009-02-06T00:00:00.001-04:00

AMERICAN: You have two cows. You sell one of them, and buy a bull. The cow and bull have a great love life; you sell the movie rights to Hollywood. Then you go into real estate.

AUSTRALIANISM: You have two cows. You take one to the beach and teach it to surf, then you bung the other one on the barbie, drink some VB, and laugh at the idea of a surfing cow.

BAHRAINISM: You have two cows. Some high government official steals one, milks it, sells the milk and pockets the profit. The government tells you there is just one cow and not enough milk for the people. The people riot and scream death to the government and carry Iranian flags. The Parliament, after thinking for 11 months, decides to employ ten Bahrainis to milk all the cows at the same time to cut back on unemployment.

BRITISH: You have two cows. They are crazy. You try to sell them in Europe.

CANADIANISM: You have two cows. The bank takes both of them, shoots one, throws away the milk and you shoot yourself.

HONG KONG You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt / equity swap with associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax deduction for keeping five cows. The milk rights of six cows are transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Islands company secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the rights to all seven cows' milk back to the listed company. The annual report says that the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Meanwhile, you kill the two cows because the feng shui is bad.

CHINESE: You have two cows. You take care of them. The government takes all the milk, but you are encouraged to steal some of it back (before someone else does).

CUBAN: You have two cows. Fidel tells you some undercover CIA agents have infected all of the cows in your region with a foreign disease that kills the cows. You and your family become malnourished. It begins to occur to you that Fidel doesn't know what he is talking about.

DUBAISM: You have two cows. You create a website for them and advertise them in all magazines. You create a Cow City or Milk Town for them. You sell off their milk before the cows have even been milked to both legitimate and shady investors who hope to resell the non-existent milk for a 100% profit in two years' time. You bring Tiger Woods to milk the cows first to attract attention.

EGYPTIANISM: You have two cows. Both are voting for Moooooobarak!

IRAQISM: The British Government sends in a herd of 20 cows in a trial run to help a village outside Basra. The villagers are extremely grateful for the extra milk and the health of the children improves daily. A terrorist group then kidnaps the cows and accuses them of being traitors to "the cause." The terrorists then produce signed confessions from the cows and systematically assassinates each one in front of Al Jazeera television cameras.

KUWAITISM: Upon hearing how popular cows are in the Gulf region, a group of young male Kuwaitis buy a herd. Unfortunately, they attach so many accessories (ski-racks, 3500 watt sub-woofers, nipple lights, etc.) that the cows almost collapse under the weight and/or embarrassment. The herd are all tragically killed in a massive pile-up while their owners are attempting to perform donuts by the Towers.

LEBANONISM: You have two cows. One is owned by Syria and the other is controlled by the government.

NEW DEALISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and pours the milk down the sink. The government insists there is a giant storage tank where all the milk goes.

OMANISM: You have three cows. They are all healthy and produce good quality milk for sale at the market. Unfortunately, your son discovers that the money he received at the market can be used to buy beer. Your grand expansion plans for a new high-tech farm are put on hold indefinitely.

QATARISM: You have two cows. They've been sitting there for decades and no one realizes that cows can produce milk. You see what Dubai is doing, you go crazy and start milking the heck out of the cows in the shortest time possible. Then you realize no one wanted the milk in the first place.

SAUDIISM: You have two cows. Since milking the cow involves nipples, the government decides to ban all cows in public. The only method to milk a cow is to have a cow on one side of a curtain and a guy milking the cow on the other side.

TALIBANISM: You have two cows. At first, the government makes them wear burkas, but later shoots them because "they are Hindu religious symbols."

UNITED NATIONISM: You have two cows. France vetoes you from milking them. The United States and Britain veto the cows from milking you. New Zealand abstains.

Funny Crash Compilation - 6

2009-02-05T00:00:00.000-04:00

Concepts to think ...

2009-02-04T00:00:00.000-04:00

1 - I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2 - Borrow money from pessimists — they don’t expect it back.
3 - Half the people you know are below average.
4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.
9 - All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.
12 - OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
13 - How can you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16 - When everything seems to be coming your way, maybe you’re in the wrong lane.
17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not being smart enough to be lazy.
18 - Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
19 - I intend to live forever… so far, so good.
20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
22 - What happens if you get scared half to death…twice?
23 - My mechanic told me, “I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”
24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
25 - If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
27 - Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
30 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.
32 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don’t have film.
33 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

Management lessons ...

2009-02-03T00:00:00.001-04:00

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil
lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care
in the world.'
Puff! She's gone.

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal
masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'

Puff! He's gone.

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'

Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on
the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

A turkey was chatting with a bull.

'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest
branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:
Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large
field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.

The dung was actually thawing him out!

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out
and ate him.

Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your
friend.

(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep
your mouth shut!

Why did the chicken cross the road?

2009-02-02T00:00:00.000-04:00

As answered by politicians and other famous folks

Barack Obama: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a change! The chicken wanted change!

John McCain: My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.

Hillary Clinton: When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure - right from Day one - that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me.

George W. Bush: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us.
There is no middle ground here.

Dick Cheney: Where's my gun?

Colin Powell: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

Bill Clinton: I did not cross the road with that chicken. What is your definition of chicken?

John Kerry: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chickens intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

Al Sharpton: Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens!

Dr. Phil: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his current problems before adding new problems.

Oprah: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of us chickens.

Nancy Grace: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

Pat Buchanan: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

Dr. Seuss: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

Ernest Hemingway: To die in the rain, alone.

Jerry Falwell: Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth? That's why they call it the 'other side'. Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay, too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like 'the other side.' That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that.

Grandpa: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

Barbara Walters: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious scare of molting, and went on to accomplish its lifelong dream of crossing the road.

Aristotle: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

John Lennon: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.

Albert Einstein: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

Colonel Sanders: Did I miss one???

Police and Nurse ...

2009-02-01T00:00:00.000-04:00

A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix.

The doctors operated and advised him that all was well. However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs on his chest.

Worried that it might be a second surgery the doctors hadn't told him about, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown down enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.

Taped very firmly across his hairy chest were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily. Written in large black letters was the sentence.

"Get well quick..... from the nurse you gave a ticket to last week."

Photoshop Manipulation - 1

2009-01-31T00:00:00.001-04:00

Doctor and Plumber

2009-01-30T00:00:00.000-04:00

A Doctor gets taken short up in the middle of the night and finds his toilet is completely blocked.

He says to his wife, "I'm going to have to call a plumber."

The wife replies, "You can't call a plumber out at three in the morning!"

He says, "Of course I can! I have to go out on night-time calls if a patient needs me."

Anyway, he rings a plumber, who complains bitterly about having to come out in the middle of the night.

The Doctor says the same thing, "I have to come out on late-night calls to see patients, why shouldn't you?"

At about 3.30AM the plumber arrives, very bleary-eyed, and the Doctor shows him to the blocked toilet.

The plumber drops two tablets down the pan and says to the Doctor, "If there's no change, call me in the morning!"